ME jokes

What did the plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me! 😂

What did the blonde say when I told a rape joke?

"Can you show me what rape is?"

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

One day at school, I made fun of a girl who lost her hair from cancer, and my parents made me shave my head.

The next day at school, I made fun of an orphan.

The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."

The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."

The condom just sitting there laughing.

I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

add me in Roblox wholetthedogsoutyou1 lol who let the dogs out you you you you you?

Did the sun just come out, or did you just smile at me?

Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.

Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....

Mom: It's a pillow fort.

Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?

Mom: You're almost 19 years old.

Me: Not good enough... OUT!

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

I was visiting an orphanage and started to pull in close to the building. My car hit 3 speed bumps, and it caught me off guard. I got out of my car, looked under my tire, and saw three orphans wedged in my tire. I started to get worried, but then I thought to myself... nobody will miss them.