ME jokes

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."

Orphan: "I want to be a superhero."

Me: "You should be Batman."

Also me: *starts laughing* because Batman doesn't have parents...

What did the plate say to the other plate? Lunch is on me! 😂

If anyone's gonna be fuckin' my sister, it's gonna be ME!

Doctor: You'll be at peace soon, sir.

Me: What? Am I dying?

Doctor: No, your wife is.

What did the lady say to Michael Jackson on the beach?

"Excuse me sir, but you're in my sun."

I asked my friend if they will show me something retarded. He said, "Go look in a mirror." I said, "Thank you."

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, I said that's a big word for a seven year old.

You remind me of a snowflake, beautiful and unique. One touch and you're wet.

I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.

Friend 1: I don't want to jump.

Friend 2: Me neither.

Murderer: If you don't jump, I'll stab you.

Friend 1: *jumps*

Friend 2: *jumps*

Murderer: I didn't mean off the building!

Friend 1: I know that. I just pretended to jump to get rid of that guy.

One day at school, I made fun of a girl who lost her hair from cancer, and my parents made me shave my head.

The next day at school, I made fun of an orphan.

Me and my grandpa went on a road trip, and he died. That was the last thing we did together, and I will never forget his last words: “WAKE UP YOU DUMBASS!”

A policeman just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous! My dogs don’t even own bikes!

I went to find someone to fuck in the streets for money, and I found a prostitute, but then she raped me. After she said it was amazing and instead let me push.

The mirror says: "If you break me, you will have 3 years of bad luck."

The Magic Jewel says: "If you break me, you will have 10 years of bad luck."

The condom just sitting there laughing.

add me in Roblox wholetthedogsoutyou1 lol who let the dogs out you you you you you?

Did the sun just come out, or did you just smile at me?

There is this cute Russian girl in my class, yet she hasn't asked me out for vodka.

Mom: You need to grow up. You're so immature.

Me: *glares* Get out of my castle....

Mom: It's a pillow fort.

Me: Why can't I have an imagination! ?

Mom: You're almost 19 years old.

Me: Not good enough... OUT!