ME jokes

Priest

    • A girl walks into the church and confesses.

    Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

    Priest: "How have you sinned, may I ask?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call a man a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "He held my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He holds the girl's hand.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That does not explain why you called a man a bitch."

    Girl: "He started taking off my clothes."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He takes off the girl's clothes.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That also doesn't explain why you called the man a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off his clothes and put his you know what into my you know what."

    Priest: "Like this?" (He puts his you know what into her you know what.)

    Girl: "Yes, Father! Yes, Father!"

    Priest: "Then what?"

    Girl: "Then he got up and left me naked."

    Priest: "That son of a bitch!"

    Child

    • What say the child to the man? Shalom.

    Man come later give the child: "Here, what you asked for!"

    Child: "No, sir! I say Shabbat Shalom. I not ask for salmon!"

    Man: "It may be the coin in me ear, hard to hear."

    Covid

    • Me running out of the hospital after telling COVID patients to stay "positive."

    Lipstick

    • The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn’t talking to me.

    ME memes

    Room

    • Mom: Clean your room! Me: No, it’s my room, and I don’t want to clean it. Mom: You are nothing like Mrs. Smith’s daughter. Me: Well, I’m not Mrs. Smith’s daughter now, am I? You are the worst. Why are you trying to compare me with Mrs. Smith’s daughter? I’m not her, OK? I am not her, so stop! Mom: Do you know what? I pushed you out of my hula for 43 minutes! Do not make me hate you, because guess what? I brought you into the world, and I can take you out of it! Me: Bro.

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    • Arabian

    • The person next to me on my flight was shocked when they found out I was Arabian. I lagged so hard my gerber almost fell out of my pocket.

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    • Orphan

    • There was a kid sitting in a corner.

    Me: "Hey! Why are you here at an orphanage?"

    Orphan: "..."

    Me: "Oh, wait, you're an orphan."

    Adoption

    • A brother and a sister always kept fighting. One day the brother said, "You're adopted!"

    Then the sister replies, "At least they wanted me!"

    The brother yells back, "Well, at first, when they didn't know you'd turn out like this."

    Life

    • I think I found the worst joke in life. For me, it's that I have always been unwanted and alone for my whole life, and I've never even been in a relationship with anyone, and I'm 31 years old, and I also know that deep down, I'm always going to be alone and unhappy. All I get out of life is seeing everyone else with someone and knowing it will never happen for me. I think that's the worst joke I can think of... LIFE.

    Still living when you know you'll never find someone to be with.

    I apologize with the wording to this; it's another thing I am a failure at.

    Feel free to comment.

    Fly

    • What did the human say to the fly when it was buzzing around the human's head?

    "Would you stop bugging me!"

    Milk

    • I got two cups of milk. One for me and one for my son.

    We both drank them at the same time and tried not to puke. I won, since my son is face first on the table with his blood all over.

    Joe mama

    • Nobody: The crickets in the back: Talk talk talk.

    Me: JOE MAMA OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

    Talk

    • I call this my great talk with Siri.

    Me: Hey Siri, give me a "yo mama" joke.

    Siri: My mother? Huh?

    Me: Did I stutter?

    Siri: Interesting question.

    Me: It wasn’t a question.

    Siri: I’m not sure I understand?

    Me: You should understand.

    Siri: Hmm... Is there something else I can help with?

    Me: No, you b***.

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