ME jokes

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

Hey guys, I’m back, just wondering if anyone is still on this that wants me to make more.

Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?

I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?

Me: Want to play 911?

My little brother: What's that?

Me: It's where I kick your legs and you fall.

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?

Woman one: "I got so mad at my GPS today that I told it to go to hell!"

Woman two: "Did that work?"

Woman one: "Well, it took me to my in-laws’ house."

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Got into a fight last night. We both had blades. He cut me deep. I thought I was gone, but he forgot to keep the water running.

Weird thing was that we were in the fight of our lives in the restroom and that guy kinda looked like me.

I caught my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."