ME jokes

*walks into a comedy night club* Owner: "You're doing standup tonight, right?" Noob Joker (you): "Yes, I am!" Owner: "Get onto the stage." Me: *walks up stage* Owner: "This is the standup comedian noobpro." Me: "Hey guys, how about some Donald Trump?" Crowd: *RUNS*

Person A: Hey, what's the next subject?

Person B: Let me check.

Person B: It's greenglish!

I became anti-furry because I don't want Doom Slayer after me.

When the washer started running, why did you join me?

Because I had to catch it.

I want to die at a party. This is because nobody can be sad over me.

My mum told me to do the dog poo, but I couldn't find you anywhere.

You know why you remind me of a calculator? Because 1+1 equals the two of us.

Boosterthon asks to raise up to $35,000.

I donate $35,000. I ask, "What's my prize?" Boosterthon worker says, "Here's a headband." Me: "I donated the goal, so is that it?" Boosterthon worker: "No, it's $35,000 per person." I pass out. Boosterthon worker goes back to work like it is a regular day.

So two dudes were at a bar and out of nowhere they hear, "Oi mate, talk to me like that again, I'm gonna shove this stick so far up your ass you'll look like a Popsicle."

Person: What's your perfect date look like?

Me: Oh, just hanging around in a tree.

You say Alex Jones, I say Alex moans mmmmm. I like that fat, tasty big boy and his Rolex watches, mummy, he turns me on!

Once Roblox popped up in my server, be like, "Roblox, what are you doing?"

Me: "What the heck?" Me: "How did I get in your server?"

Roblox: "You've been banned for just cheating!"

"Hay, can you help me to her on..." No, that is gross. I meant my car.

My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."

I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."

So an ace gets handed a piece of paper and it says, "Do you like me or no?" and the ace says, "I'm not registered to vote!" Hahahahahahahahjajqh.

Did you hear about the elephant with no nose?! Me neither.

A guy walks up to me and says, "I wonder if the hookman is real?"

I reply saying, "Yeah, it's Asa Hutchinson, lol."

To you, Iron Man may seem cool or awesome, but to me, he is pretty ironic.

What did the seal say to the shark?

"Are you seal-iously going to eat me?"

My friend thinks he is funny.

He told me that the only food that makes you cry is an onion, so I threw a coconut at him.