ME jokes

My mom told me drugs are my enemies... but Jesus said to love your enemies.

A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.

The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"

She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."

The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"

The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"

"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"

The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."

People keep telling me that I should stop making sh jokes... bro it's not that deep.

Teenager: "OMG, I’m prego, my mom's gonna kill me."

Baby: "Lmao, same"

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records. -- Then the librarian told me to take it out.

Hey guys, I’m back, just wondering if anyone is still on this that wants me to make more.

I was watching my daughter at a park. She was playing with a few people. Another parent came up to me and said, "Which one is yours?" Just for fun, I said, "I am still choosing." She looked horrified.

This girl told me people call her ugly because she is disabled. I told her to stand up for herself.

Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?

If I hung myself from a cliff, would people call me a cliffhanger?

My sister's boyfriend is mad at me because I fucked his girl.

Ya ever think about the twin towers plan?

Me neither. It all came crashing down.

Crush: "How much do you love me?"

Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."

Crush: "But it's morning."

Me: "Exactly."

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

As a child, my mother always told me she was going horse riding. My whole life changed when I found out she was under the horse.

Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?

I went on a walk last night with a really hot girl. Then she noticed me, and we went for a run.

I was in an argument with a "friend" at school. He said, "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me."

...so I threw a dictionary at him.

Mother: Who do you like more, me or your dad?

Liam: I like you both.

Mother: Ok, if I go to america and your dad goes to paris, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to paris.

Mother: That's means you like dad more.

Liam: No, its because i like paris.

Mother: Ok, fine, if I go to paris and your dad goes to america, where will you go?

Liam: I will go to America.

Mother: Why?

Liam: Because I have already gone to paris.

Q: What's the difference between me and cancer?

A: My dad didn't beat cancer...