ME jokes
Why did your mum touch me? Because she was a pedo.
My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’. I did find some roadkill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.
"Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?"
"To the morgue."
"What? But I’m not dead yet!"
"And we’re not there yet."
Recently, I've found out my wife has been cheating on me for the past 3 weeks with a baker downtown in Manhattan, New York, thinking I wouldn't find out. Irony of it all, she received a yeast infection.
What's hot and hard?
Me when I look at children.
I got hit in the head with a can of soda yesterday. Luckily for me, it was a soft drink.
I had a friend named Wemiyoe... We call him "we me you."
Your friend took a shower and used Pantene, but I got a watermelon to keep me clean.
My wife purely hates me for me having sex with our daughter.
It's not my fault I couldn't wait to get out of the abortion clinic!
Stephen Hawking died because he got hacked by me, and the update was too strong.
What did Saskia say to Brandon?
Saskia: "Can you rape me like you did Sydney?"
As he threw the mechanical pencil toward me, I knew that if I didn't move, I would be lead into serious trouble.
Mayonnaise marry me?
What is a similarity between a pregnant 14-year-old and the fetus inside of her?
They both are thinking, "Shit! Mom is gonna kill me!"
A gay guy asked me for directions, so I told him to go straight.
What is the difference between a washing machine and a hooker?
I can put a load in the washing machine without it following me.
A man attacked me with cheese and milk. How dairy!
Q: What’s the difference between me and you?
A: I’m not wasting my time reading this joke.
Eggs
You crack me up!
Actually, it isn't a bear joke, but bear with me here...