ME jokes

I once had a trash can as a girlfriend.

I was ready to break up with her, but all she had to say was, "Please don't dump me!" Then I said, "Sorry, I'm ready to take out the trash."

An astronomer walked up to me and I was like, "Give me some space..."

Are you getting the funnies?

When Stephen Hawking entered Heaven and met with the Lord, after a short interview God asked: "Hey Stephen, I need you to explain to me how does all this stuff work?"

What's Stephen Hawking's favorite song?

- They see me rolling.

Donald Trump was golfing with Barack Obama. The Donald said, "Listen Barack, I'm getting older and I'm having trouble sexually satisfying my young wife. I know that you black guys are supposed to be magic in bed. Can you give me a few pointers?" Barack gave Donald a few ideas and that night Donald made love to his wife. He did everything he was told. He started out slowly entering his wife gently then finished hard. Melania came quickly screaming. "Oh Donald, You fuck just like Barack Obama."

How many people does it take to screw in a light bulb? It takes two, but don't ask me how they get inside.

Why did Sally drop her ice cream cone?

Because she got hit by a bus.

What do they call me when I jack off?

Pulled pork.

Who's Hitler's best friend? Nazis me.

Add me on Snapchat for streaks: Loganlytton.

The other day a man with some cheese and milk attacked me... how dairy!

I was talking to this absolutely gorgeous woman, and I asked her, “What do you do?” And she said, “I’m a brain surgeon.” And I don’t know if this makes me sexist or not, but I was really impressed.

Most women can’t pull off sarcasm.

Stephen Hawking tried comedy.

His first line ruined it. "You know what I can't stand? Let me rephrase that, you know what? I can't stand."

I forgot my lucky egg! It always gives me an eggcellent amount of luck!

He had a song named after him: "They see me rolling."

I stayed up all night trying to follow the sun... Then it dawned on me.

Someone goes into a bar and asks for a blow job. The barman goes, "Me too." But then the guy goes, "I meant the drink."

My girlfriend called me a pedophile, but what does she know? She's 7.

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a "fret."

I'm taking a guitar lesson at school. My band instructor told me he was going to hit me with my guitar. I asked him if that was a fret.