ME jokes

You want a pizza from me!!!!

What did the boy say to the noose?

"Can you please tie me."

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to speak to me.

If Stephen Hawking was in a horror movie, would he make his robot try and shout, "Aaaaaaaah! Help me, I can't move! I'm too scared!"?

How did the air beat me at chess? It did that thing, haha!

By the way, could you tell me an elevator pun? I can't seem to "come up" with one myself.

I fell from the stairs the other day. It really "got me down."

After all these walkers, you still walk over me.

I don’t have enough money to buy cheese, could you provolone me some money?

My friend texted me and asked me, "Hey. What's your favorite emoji?"

I said, "😬😬😬😬😬😬😬"

She said, "Why?"

I said, "'Cause it's your twin."

Josh: Tell me something funny.

Mark: My life.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable (A), beautiful (B), cute (C), delightful (D), elegant (E), fashionable (F), gorgeous (G), and hot (H)."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Someone butt-dialed me again yesterday. It seems that only assholes want to talk to me.

All these sea monster jokes are just kraken me up.

Are you an egg, because you crack me up?

Two brothers were arguing. One went: "You're an idiot!"

The other went: "Your brother's a mother!"

He replied: "Yeah, I know. Thanks for agreeing with me."

Me: Mom, I think I need to go to the hospital.

Mom: OMG, why son?

Me: I don't know what's wrong, but every time I close my eyes, I can see.

Think about it, then spread LMAO.

My man is a pussy cunt that sucks my dick.

Joke's on him, he just asked me for bobs and vegana.

Someone asked me, "How would you like your steak cooked?"

I said, "On a stove!"

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It picks cotton.