ME jokes

My dad always told me I should sing tenor. Ten or twelve miles away.

Me: Hey dad, I'm in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal!

Dad: Hi in debt, my dick got cut off, I have depression, and I am suicidal! I'm dad!

Did you know that, statistically, 1 in 10 people live next door to a pedophile? Not me though, not me though; I live next door to a lil 10 year old boy with a FAT ASS yenno what I'm sayin'???

Damn, DIN just went over me and I'm trying to figure out what it is. A camel's dick.

What did the grape say to the banana? "Stop graping me!"

What did the Emo say to the surgeon? "Cut me, please!"

I was hiking once with my girlfriend. Suddenly, a huge brown bear was charging at us, really mad. We must have come close to her cubs.

Luckily I had my 9mm pistol with me. One shot to my girlfriend's kneecap was all it took. I could walk away at a comfortable pace.

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me."

We never saw him again.

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

When I was a kid, I used to read a lot. I mainly grew up reading stories by Shakespeare, especially the story Romeo & Juliet. That one in particular taught me a valuable life lesson. It taught me to not be surprised when my girlfriend killed herself.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I have a small dick. Too bad for her, because I give good sex.

Ever since I needed a wheelchair, my husband has been so rude. He’s been pushing me around and talking behind my back.

My friend Arid asked me what I did over the weekend. I told him, "I read."

Get it? I read? No... ok.

Hello, Brudas, my name Badabeeyeabolamazoqanba. I, forty-eight-year man from Somalia. Sorry for bad England. I sold my wife for internet connect, and I am level thirteen in Roblacks. If you want to get batter in Roblacks, contact me at Gmail@borakoobama. Send me your bank account information and password. Than I well give you all the cotton you desire. Sorry for bad spelling. I kindergarden dropout.

Q: What's the difference between an egg and me?

A: An egg gets laid.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

What did one gay guy say to the other when they were packing for a trip?

"Want me to pack your shit?"

What did the skeleton say when the other skeleton lied to him?

"You can't lie to me! I can see right through you!"

"I really hate cats," my friend replied with, "You gotta be kitten me!"

Sarah goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Sarah waves her hand, "Me, Miss Rogers, me, me!" Miss Rogers says, "All right, Sarah, what is your multi-syllable word?" Sarah says, "Mas-tur-bate." Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Sarah, that's a mouthful." Sarah says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."