ME jokes

"Oh, waiter! Waiter!"

"Yes, sir?"

"Do you have frog's legs?"

"Why, yes."

"Good. Now hop along and get me a steak!"

Me and your mom in the bed.

Boyfriend: "Babe, are you traffic police?"

Girlfriend: "No."

Boyfriend: "Then why do you shout at me for not wearing a helmet?"

Teacher: Tell me a moral story.

Little Johnny: Once my grandfather was in WW2. He saw everyone praising to kill him. For example, we should sneak up and kill him. We get the helicopter above and shoot him from there. My grandfather heard this, he got his gun and shot them all.

Teacher: What is the moral even?

Little Johnny: Never plan to kill my grandfather.

My wife said she wanted to leave me. She said it’s because of the abuse, but really, she’s the one abusing herself by drinking alcohol and got poisoning the next day. This shows almost half of the woman’s population is weak both physically and mentally.

Always breathing down my neck, my vampire girlfriend does not give me any space.

My mum told me to take out the trash, but I couldn’t find you.

I can never get away from my dog, he follows me everywhere. I think you two would be really good friends.

Me: Are you an alien?

Friend: No.

Me: Yeah, because you're too ugly to be one.

How did my dad know I was gay?

He stuck his cock in me and I liked it.

I was making fun of an orphan, then I realized he tracked me down. I made a bad decision. He was Batman!

Little Johnny went on a camping trip. All the tents were taken, so he shared with the teacher. So Little Johnny says: "Can I play with your bellybutton? My mom always lets me when we camp." So the teacher says: "Sure." 5 minutes later the teacher says: "Woah, woah, woah that's not my bellybutton!" Little Johnny says: "Woah, woah, woah, that's not my finger."

This bitch won't message me anymore, what the fuck do I do? Why are bitches so sensitive?

Once, my father came home and found me in front of a roaring fire.

That made my father very mad, as we didn't have a fireplace.

A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?"

"Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

Tell me morbid jokes in comments so I have some jokes for my friend.

Here’s another joke my friend told me.

What did the school shooter do when the librarian told him to be quiet? Pulled out a silencer.

My mum told me to take you to the zoo and throw you in the lake, but I couldn't find you.

My mom told me we were flying to a building to see my aunt. I wondered, "Are we about to relive 9/11?"

Me: Knock knock.

My sister: Who's there?

Me: I eat mop.

My sister: I eat mop who?

My mind: I eat my poo.

My sister getting it.