ME jokes

My therapist told me time heals wounds, so I stabbed him, and now we wait.

I was thinking about you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

Someone: Didn’t we already meet somewhere?

Me: Yeah. That’s why I don’t go there anymore.

I am a good role model, because you look up to me. Deez nuts!

The cannibal says to the other cannibal, "I like it when humans fall from the sky because then they are meateor."

I’m a cashier at a grocery store, and when I’m bored, I draw on my hands with a pen. Well, this guy walks up to me and says, “You know, I got mental illnesses from drawing on myself.”

And so, without thinking, I said, “Well, I’ve already got those, so I think I’m fine...” 😳 He looked concerned. Oops lol.

Anybody know a girl named Candice? She just added me on snap.

Me after Taco Bell: Go to: [link to image of broken toilet]

Me: Mom, we made a cake.

Bully: Guess what?

Me: What?

Bully: Nobody cares!

Me: Yeah, nobody cares about you!

My relatives used to tease me at weddings, saying I'd be next. They soon stopped when I started doing the same to them at funerals.

I was in an audition for the lead role of movie "Aquaman." The Director told me to dive into a pool. Then outta nowhere Penaldo showed up and made a big dive into the pool. The director was impressed and selected Penaldo for the movie.

Shame on you Penaldo for destroying my dream!

Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."

My girlfriend broke up with me because she caught me eating a banana with my butt........

IMAGINE!

Sister: I don't want to do it, but...

Me: No more butts! Butts are too yuck to be in this sentence.

So, there was this girl on the street that had no arms or legs, that said "Hey sir, I've never been fucked before, will you do the honors and fuck me?" So, I threw her in the ocean and said "Well, your fucked now."

The cashier kicked me out because when he asked for 99 cents, I gave him 99 scents.

My girlfriend's dog died, so I got her a new one in replacement, and she went off on me and yelled,

"What am I supposed to do with 2 dead dogs in my house?!"

When you suffer from depression and somebody tells you to just cheer up-- Me: My goodness, what an idea! Why didn't I think of this before?

Did you hear about the Chinese student?

Me neither.

Bro, my friend told me all his humor is dead and dry, and I was like, "Just like 9/11 victims."