ME jokes
In America, 1 in 10 houses has a paedophile.
Not me, I live next to a smoking hot 8-year-old.
Why did my dad leave me and my mum?
I told him it wasn't big enough and then ran off saying, "Daddy, yeeeees!"
What do you call a Downey with glasses?
No, me neither.
Kid: "Hey, are you an orphan?"
Friend: "Yeah, but you are too."
Kid: "At least my parents wanted me."
To all of you making jokes about orphans, it’s all fun and games until both of your parents leave you.
LMFAO (my parents left me and it’s not the funniest thing ever)
Mom! Mom! The class called me an orphan.
"Ketchup with me, you are too slow."
I was born and raised in Newcastle.
My grandfather used to tell me stories about Penaldo, a goblin from Portugal that travels to England when Newcastle is playing. He scores a tapin and then disappears until the next Newcastle game. I still have nightmares that he’s in our stadium.
My mom tells me and my sister to stop fighting. "Mom! You and Dad need to stop!"
So, there's Fred and Frank. Now, they've been friends for years, but Fred, see, he's depressed. Badly.
Either way, so F+F are texting each other, and here's how it goes: (this is my first joke, so please don't judge too harshly)
Frank: Yo
Fred: Hi...
Frank: U heard about de competition?
Fred: Yeah...
Frank: You wanna hang out?
Fred: .......
Frank: What? I've got some noose (news) for you.
Fred: ...I(
Frank: Fine.... I guess we need to think of a plan, though. We don't wanna be hanging on the end.
Fred: *sigh* You know....you really can't rope me into this competition.
"I always like walking in the rain, so no one can see me crying."
- Charlie Chaplin
Friends, who's your barber? They mess up big time.
Me.
You're just jealous because my dad cuts my hair for free, and you have to be paying 30 dollars just for that short-ass cut.
Mom: You will make me kill myself.
Me who has cut first: I'll kill myself ✨first✨!
Mom says: "I will go kill myself."
Me: *stays quiet cuz knows better than to talk* *also me internally eyerolls*
Some time later me fighting with my mom:
Me to my mom: "Oh, yea than kill me!"
Mom: "What the hell did you just say? I don't want to hear it from you again!"
Lesson?
So it's OK for adults to say "I'll kill myself" but not teens/kids!?!?
So NFL teams were playing football on me, and then Justin Jefferson hit something called "the gritty" on me.
A: Who can tell me a joke?
B: Life.
Some kid in a wheelchair called me fat.
I told her, "Do a wheelie!"
The US Navy Atlantic Fleet is closing in on the North American shores. Suddenly a blip on the radar appears and the radio starts crackling:
"Hello, please divert to 5° East to avoid collision. Thank you."
The commander starts answering:
"No, you divert 5° West to avoid collision. Over!"
"Sorry, sir, you are the one who should divert to 5° East! Over!"
"Listen to me, you asshole! We are the USS Washington, and we have an entire fleet at our disposal, and be sure we'll use all means necessary to keep ourselves safe!"
After a moment of silence, the radio crackled again:
"In case you still haven't figured out, we can't move BECAUSE THIS IS A LIGHTHOUSE!"
Me: I asked an orphan where his parents were. I also said that I promised to take him to them.
Orphan: They're dead.
Me: A promise made is a promise kept.
Joe Biden's speeches are so motivational. In fact, I have been stuck at home these past few weeks, and his well articulated words were enough for me to muster up the courage to jump off of a 10 story building.