ME jokes

Me and rose bushes have something in common: mangled, can hurt, red, and people only like one part.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: Don't take drugs kids!

Me: My therapist says I need those to live.

D.A.R.E. Lion Mascot: _escorts to school counselor_

Me walking away after committing murder in a school with my trusty “friend”.

What did the pirate say when he saw a ghost? He said, "Oh my God, it's me dead parrot!"

One day, I was sitting on my couch watching YouTube when I heard a knock on the door. I opened the door, and to my surprise, it was my dad. I haven't seen him in 16 years, so I let him in. I noticed he had a gallon of milk in his hand, and he went to the kitchen and put the milk in the fridge.

Then he walked towards me and said, "Oh no! I forgot the cereal!" Then he walked out the door and drove away. I never saw him again.

Your hairline is lookin' so crusty like KFC chicken and be so discombobulated that it looks like satellite signals. It gives me flippin' sun radiation.

Technoblade!

Please tell me you understand this...

Me: I hit an orphan!

Mom: OMG WHY?

Me: Not like they can tell their parents-

Officer, I drop-kicked that child in self-defense!

You gotta believe me!

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.

Knock, knock.

Who's there?

QoS.

QoS who?

QoS there me me who me and you.

I saw a little boy sitting on a curb wearing rags.

I said: "Aww, are you an orphan?"

And he responded with "Yeah. What gave me away?"

And I said: "Your parents."

I was in math class when my teacher gave us homework, and she said to me, "You're gonna get an F this time." So I went back home, and f**k my teacher.

As a fellow emo, I find these very rude and disrespectful. Please take off, or I'll tell Mom.

Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby, please tell me (I'm asking for a friend).

P.S. I have no friends.

I wasn't looking at you, your big forehead was distracting me.

My mom and dad got home from a party pretty late. Why do I know? Because I was playing Minecraft all night.

Anyways, they get home and start fumbling up the stairs and being really loud. I could have swore I heard them fall down. I assumed they were drunk. I was just playing my Switch when they come into my room. Now I'm about 10 at the time so I watch them get undressed IN MY FUCKING BED! I then just stare at them as they notice me before I witness anything. They say that they were doing "intense kissing" the next morning. I believed that at the time, but now I've been to health class. I now know the truth. I wish I hadn't.

Everyone thought I'd have a great year...

14 years just gave me more chances.

Me: *finds out my dad's an orphan*

No one:

Literally no one:

Me: Time to make his life hell.😈

My friend and I got into a fight. I looked straight forward and said, "Look me in my eyes!"

My wrists have a different texture pack than the rest of me.