ME jokes
An Aboriginal Australian told me that I was on his farmland.
So I told him he was on my cock.
(I'm Australian btw, respect to my American bros🇺🇸)
A girl called me ugly.
So I drove over her with a car and called her flat.
What say the child to the man? Shalom.
Man come later give the child: "Here, what you asked for!"
Child: "No, sir! I say Shabbat Shalom. I not ask for salmon!"
Man: "It may be the coin in me ear, hard to hear."
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
I just watched a 9/11 documentary on a plane. Man next to me said, "You know we're going to New York, right?" I told him I just wanna know what I got into.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
Me: Are you an orphan?
Orphan: Yes, how did you know and what gave me away?
Me: Where's your parents?
Orphan: They died and I have a phone, why?
Me: Because it has a home button.
A fat homeless person begged me for food, so I said, "I can see your dinner. You had plenty!"
“Dad, can you explain to me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
At the job interview, they asked me, “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
I told him, “I think we’ll still be using mirrors in five years.”
A panic-stricken man explained to his doctor, “You have to help me, I think I’m shrinking.”
“Now settle down,” the doctor calmly told him. “You'll just have to learn to be a little patient.”
My hotel tried to charge me ten dollars extra for air conditioning. That wasn’t cool.
My wife asked me the other day where I got so much candy. I said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
My friend was showing me his tool shed and pointed to a ladder. "That's my stepladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
I don’t like to make jokes around dwarfs.
Simply because they look up to me.
What do you call an orphan’s family reunion?
Me time.
My girlfriend who is a Jehovah's Witness had sex with me so hard, she turned to Christianity.
Violets are blue, roses are red.
Last night your mom was giving me head.
A guy threatened to touch me yesterday...
Hey, pass me that crowbar, please.
Sure... y’know, before the crowbar was invented, crows had to drink at home.