ME jokes

"When I was in jail, my girlfriend abandoned me. I created a fascination with becoming a gynecologist. When I got bailed out, I became a Travis Bickle."

"The legend says Tinker Bell was good in jerkin' off Peter with her tiny fingers, but it pains me to think that Captain Hook was a closeted-sadist boyfriend."

"When I was a child, my blind mother taught me hand jobs, like carpentry and painting with her legs."

"Talking about childhood habits, my friend told me he still collects coins and post stamps and all. He asked me, I said - breastfeeding."

Me and bro talking about direct objects at 1 a.m. because we don’t know English.

My wife told me to stop being an idiot.

I told her, "Which one do you want?"

If it does more than pee, it's too old for me!

Thank you, anonymous user, for helping me with math a few months ago.

Now I got a 31 on the ACT.

I asked Siri why I am still single; she showed me a pic of my mom riding on my dick!

What did the Buddhist say to the pizza delivery boy?

"Make me one with everything."

I joined ISIS to help my self-esteem issues.

Everyone kept telling me, "You’re the bomb!"

My mom came to me and shouted, "Nobody is giving me a fuck." So I went forward and fucked her!

My mom told me yesterday that in this Valentine, we should take our love to new heights. So tomorrow I'm prepared to fuck her in "The Hot Seat" position.

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

I met a lovely girl at a friend's house party, so I went and introduced myself by saying I'm Noah, what's yours?

She turned around angrily and offended and said, "I identify as a hockey puck, didn't you see the sign?"

To which I replied, "Bitch, that says hickey puck. If you identify as a hockey puck, then let me hit you!"

A man accidentally elbows a woman's boob as she is standing behind him in a hotel lobby. The man apologizes profusely and says, "If your heart is as soft as your breasts, I know you'll forgive me."

To which the woman replied, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 318."

At the bar last night, a woman got her nipple pierced right in front of me.

On a related note, I suck at darts.

My principal called my mom at school and said, "You should teach your son well." After coming back home, at first she taught me sex!

My uncle is a horrible ventriloquist. He put his hand up my butt, but he told me NOT to say anything.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"