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ME jokes

Someone locked me out of my house today... At least the children in my basement aren't my problem anymore.

I saw this kid on the street wearing a rag. I said, "Are you an orphan?" He said, "What gave me away?" I said, "Your parents."

Is there a really annoying girl at your school and she's so fake? Well, say this:

Me: Hey, I have a nickname for you.

Her: Really? What?

Me: Sweet-in-low.

Her: Why?

Me: Because you're artificial.

When someone said to an orphan, "My boyfriend ghosted me," the orphan says back, "Don't worry, my parents ghosted me!" 🤣

Me in the middle of the night boiling water.

Me talking to my brother: How do you make holy water?

My brother: How?

Me: You boil the hell out of it.

There was an illegal alien woman who wanted to be called "undocumented." So, I had "undocumented" sex with her and threatened to have her deported if she reported me for rape. I'd call it even.

The doctor told me my temperature was exactly 98.6 degrees. I felt relieved until he said, “Celsius.”

When a 68 year old teacher says: "I am going to tackle an intruder if I have to!"

Me: "Oh hell nah"

Your mom went to the ocean, and the whales said, "We are family," even though you are fatter than me.

This dwarf was being mean to me, so I said, "When you get home, I hope Snow White kicks the shit out of you."

Me: Do you like smash?

Friend: Smash Rolls?

Me: No, Smash DEEZ NUTS!

Friend: AHHHHH (*moans)

Everybody loves guns!

Every time I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

Whenever I have diarrhea, my roommate gets constipated.

When I told him this, he said, "Are you kidding me?"

I said, "I shit you not."

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.