Matter jokes
You're so ugly whenever you say hi, people walk away and say that you were too ugly, and they go take a bath right away because you're so stinky.
They say that you look like your mama. Wait, your mama must be just like you because I can see her way from a mile!
You say you put on perfume, but every time I smell you, you smell like poo-poo. You're so ugly that when your mom looks in the mirror, you cry. You're so stupid the second-grade teacher had to tell you to go all the way to kindergarten. Head Start is every grade below you. You can't even go to the 20th grade, which stands for 9th grade. You can't even go to grocery stores, and people that tell you that you're so ugly give you compliments just to make you feel better. You know that everybody just likes you just because they just don't want to hurt your feelings, so just stay in your mind. Hey, you want to text Matt; you know it was you because every time you see you, you think that you matter. Matter fact, he doesn't even like you; he just wants your money girl. Who even likes you? 😈😈
A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.
Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"
Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"
Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."
Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."
Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"
Demon: "You a smoker?"
Guy: "You better believe it."
Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"
Guy: "Golly."
Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."
Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."
Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."
Guy: "Wow."
Demon: "You like to do drugs?"
Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."
Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"
Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"
Demon: "You gay?"
Guy: "Uh, no."
Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."
All rape can be prevented. It's just a matter of semantics.
A guy is sitting in a bar, feeling sad. "What's the matter?" asks the bartender.
"My paternal uncle died three months ago."
"Wow! No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me a third of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My maternal uncle died two months ago."
"Two uncles in two months? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that either. He left me half of his estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
"My father died last month."
"Your dad too? No wonder you're sad!"
"It's not that. He left me his entire estate."
"Then what's the matter?"
With a massive sob, the guy says, "None of my relatives died this month!"
No matter how much I cry, the white people still left me hanging.
Michael J. Fox walks into an ice cream parlor.
The man behind the counter asks Michael, "Can I help you?"
Michael exclaims, "I would like an ice cream."
The man behind the counter asks, "What flavor?"
Michael says, "It doesn't matter what flavor, I'm gonna fucken drop it anyway."
(Bus Driver) What did you learn in school today?
(Kid) We learned that you are a sussy baka.
(Bus Driver) Oh yeah? Well, I quit!
(Kid) Quit what?
(Bus Driver) Living.
(Kid) But it was a joke!
(Bus Driver) Doesn't matter. I will die, but you will still be alive.
(Kid) Ok.
(Bus Driver) That was a joke, too!
Most controversial types of matter:
1. Dark matter 2. Anti-matter 3. Black Lives Matter.
In Africa, it doesn't matter if you're gay, straight, or bisexual.
At the end of the day, it's night.
Why can't you trust the atom? 'Cause they make up everything.
Miss Kadie, I heard that the Westboro Baptist Church is having a party for kicking out 99999 gay people.
Pastor: Welcome to the gay matters church.
Miss Kadie: Stop that, you know that God hates gay people.
Me: Stop that, vegan teacher.
Pastor: You deserve to die.
- I attack
When I was a kid, my hamster died, so my mum bought a new identical one, hoping I wouldn't notice. It didn't matter anyway, since I beat that one to death, too.
"INNOCENT! THERE IS NO WAY TO PROVE THAT THE GIRL WAS 13. It doesn't matter what texts he sent. There is no way to prove that the girl was 13, or the fact that it was a girl. Failed sting operation."
Rape is no laughing matter. The reason why women are not believed in rape is because of you mother fucking shitbirds with no future who will become drunkards and drug dealers who go broke and live on the street getting hit by a fucking car. Fuck all of you sadists who think this kind of shit is funny, well shut the fuck up. Go jump off a bridge or get hit by car and I hope you fucking sickos die.
Stop rape. Stop rappe. Stop rapibg innocent children and women and men. I am done with rape. I am done with it!
BLM be like black lives matter everyone in this chat :). BLM= Bang Local MLFS.
One day, a kid walks up to their mom and asks, "Why is my name Daisy?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a daisy landed on your head." The second kid asks, "Why is my name Butterfly?" The mom's reply is, "Because when you were born, a butterfly landed on your head." Then you hear, "Ooooooooohahbfisbfsdkf."
"Shut up, Brick!"
My little brother is scared of ghosts so I won't let him watch Bayern today.
Okay, I may be strict, but I won't let Tapindowski give my son a heart attack. His shocking ghosting performance today is a danger to my family and I'll ask UEFA to investigate the matter.
For all those Simpsons fans out there, this one I'm sure you know:
Abe: "It's rotten being old. No one listens to you."
Lisa: "It's awful being a kid. No one listens to you."
Homer: "I'm a white male, aged 18-49. Everyone listens to me--no matter how dumb my suggestions are."
Your momma's so fat she started "Fat Lives Matter". Meetings are everyday:
11 o'clock McDonald's, 12 o'clock KFC, 1 o'clock Pizza Hut.
We shouldn't joke about rape, because rape is no laughing matter...
Unless you're being raped by a clown.