Why should you never trust atoms?
Because they make up everything!
It only takes 4 inches to please a woman.
And it doesn’t matter if it’s credit or debit.
What record did Obama prove during his presidency?
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he'll still be in government housing.
Why are Americans so shocked when it comes to Mexican drug cartels?
Because none of the drug lords (or their associates, for that matter) have shot up a school.
Today, I operated on a little girl. She needed O-negative blood. We didn’t have any, but her twin sister has O-negative blood. I explained to her that it was a matter of life and death. She sat quietly for a moment, and then said goodbye to her parents. I didn’t think anything of it until after we took her blood and she asked, “So when will I die?” She thought she was going to give her life for her sister. Thankfully they both died.
What’s one thing Obama proved during his presidency
No matter how far a brotha gets in life, he’s still going to have the cops on his back
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
Dolly Parton and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.
They both met with an Angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
The angel said, "Unfortunately, there's only one space in Heaven today, so I must decide which one of you will be admitted."
The Angel asked Dolly if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.
Dolly took off her top and said, "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity."
The Angel thanked Dolly and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth, the same question.
The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever, and flushed it without saying a word.
The Angel immediately said, "OK, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven."
Dolly was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations, and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode, and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?"
"Sorry, Dolly," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair - no matter how big they are."
Crying babies are like parties, No matter how many times you try to end it, it keeps going.
The first time you have a new phone you have a different one you can change your phone to a new phone but it doesn’t change the phone 📱 it’s just different I think it will work I just think it would look good 👍 and then it would work but you don’t know if it’s the right thing for the new one you just know it’s the wrong 😑 it’s a bad phone 📱 it’s a new thing it’s the same for different every day but it doesn’t look 👀 and I think 🤔 so it’s not a good 👍 but it works so it’s different so it’s different for the new phone 📱 and it doesn’t have to work on it doesn’t matter to the same for you know it’s just the one ☝️ but it doesn’t have the one that I can do a lot better and I can just use my new one ☝️ but it is not that the new iPhone 📱 so you have the one that’s the other is that I have the same thing and it’s the same phone 📱 but I have to get the new iPhone 📱 I just want it and then you have a good 😊 and it’s a different number so it’s just like 👍 so it’s just one ☝️ but you know it’s not like 👍 I have the new iPhone 📲 so you know it’s just one ☝️ so it’s a little more than just the one ☝️ and it will get the new phone 📞 so it’s just easier and cheaper for the money 💴 but it won’t cost 💲 much more to pay 💰 off your car 🚘 than to get the phone 📱 for the next two weeks weeks or even two years to to have the car car 🚘🚘 fixed so it’s easier and quicker and I will be happy 😆 I’m happy happy 😊 I’m so excited excited 😊 thank y all and I will talk soon 🔜 and have you have an update as to the results soon 🔜 thank ya again so far hope all goes all are good 😌 hope to be in your class today love ❤️ and have you been in your dreams hope all your day too bye ✌️
I read a sign what it meant to say is you matter don't give up what I read was you don't matter give up
No matter how big the jar, there is one thing that can never fit inside it. What is it?
What's the difference between YouTube adverts and orphans?
Most get skipped no matter how interesting they are.
When you see an orphanage bully, remind them that no matter how powerful they are, they will never be as strong as their dads... Oh wait, they don't have a dad.
Today when I looked in the mirror, I stopped and simply said: "It's ok, what's inside matters the most, right?"
The Yo Mama song to end all yo mama jokes.
If you know what song this is parodying, you get a cookie.
Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.
Ohhh, Yo Mama.
oh wop oh wop...YO MAMA!
Yo mama so fat, she gotta bathe in Sea World.
Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.
Ohhhh, YO MAMA!
Oh woo ohhh, YO MAMA!
Yo mama so slow she took 9 months to get the joke.
Your own motheeer makes me giggle.
Her struggling to do taaaasks, see her belly wiggle.
HEY!
Yo mama so fat she on both sides o’the family.
Yo mama so inbred her own fam’ly tree
Looks like a spider web an’ yo mama so hairy
I thought it was King Kong I saw, that bitch is scary.
Yo mama so dumb a kid said “gimme a fag”
And in response she kidnapped Ricardo in a giant bag.
Yo mama so blind, she drove through puppies in a blunder
I swear I almost thought the driver was Stevie Wonder.
Yo mama so old, she’s nostalgic for the big bang.
Drier than Sahara, that crusty old thang.
Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.
Ohhh, Yo Mama.
oh wop oh wop...YO MAMA!
Yo Mama so fat her picture still printing out.
Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.
Ohhhh, YO MAMA!
Oh woo ohhh, YO MAMA!
Yo mama so ugly I thought you had two dads.
MMMMMMM
ahhhhhh
ohhhohoh
Your own motheeer, your own motheeeeer’s pussy is tight.
It’s not too dryyy or weeet it’s just right.
Hey Mama!
I fucked her so hard, the bitch done passed out
but not before I creamed all over her and shout
“I’M FUCKING THESE MOMS ALL THE WAY TO HEAVEN!
Don’t care if she’s 20 or 77!
I’m doing all the moms all over the worl’
Even if they weren’t ‘riginally born a girl.
A pussy’s a pussy no matter who its from
Don’t care if that woman is smart or dumb!”
That’s the truth there, baby! Even if
yo mama too stupid to tell apart her own kid
or if she’s so fugly, she’s the reason why
Helen Keller, poor soul, went deaf and blind.
I want to fuck every MILF on Earth
it don’t matter how much her ass is worth
or if she’s so poor, coal on Christmas is a treasure
Would I fuck her anyway? It would be my pleasure.
My body count so high can’t nobody top me
She said, “I’ll call you Freddie Mercury cause I want you to rock me.”
I said, “aiight bet! Can’t nobody stop me!”
Well, it’s a oooh, yo mama.
Ohhh, Yo Mama.
oh wop oh wop...YO MAMA!
But yo mama still so poor Africans donate to her!
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote Linkin Park too much. But in the end, it doesn’t even matter.
No Matter How Hard i try i Will never be a Stand up Comedian
how many tottenham players does it take to win a trophy? it doesn't matter how hard they try, they still can't win one anyway
Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”
Kid: “Whatever!”
Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”
Kid: “Doesn't matter!”
Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”
Kid: “Oh well!”
Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”
Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”
