Masturbation jokes

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."

They say masturbation is better with a dead arm. Apparently, I ruined that funeral.

What is anonymous 🤔 oral masturbation? the politically correct word for anonymous gay fellatio from a 🕳 glory hole inside a 📖 adult book store

I got caught masturbating in the bath by my mum!

I said, "Mum, I’ll wash it as hard and fast as I want!"

What do you call a cow that's beating his meat? Beef stroganoff!

A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."

The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?

Beef strokin' off.

What do masturbation and brain damage have in common? After a few strokes, there’s no going back.

Have you ever had a friend who masturbated many times? I had one who did a lot, but he had no imagination... when he masturbated, he imagines his hand.

How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?

I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.

Q: Why does Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand?

A: She moans with the other.

What does a baby in a blender look like?

I don’t know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, "I have some bad news for you. You really have to stop masturbating."

The man looks aghast and says, "Oh my God, doc, why?!"

The doctor replies, "I'm trying to examine you."

How do cats masturbate? They lick they pussy.

Why is hand holding a couple thing? Because they touch each other's genitals anyway.

What does a dead baby look like?

I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate.

Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):

"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"

Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.