Masturbation jokes
Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?
Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.
How many time does it take to cook a baby in a microwave?
I don’t know, I can’t count while masturbating.
Steven Hawking was going to jerk off, nope. 😂
The first priest asks the second, "How long do we keep the babies in the holy water?" The priest replies, "No clue... I close my eyes when I masturbate!"
When I masturbate, things cum.
When an old man does, no one cums.
Q: What did the sign say on the whore house?
A: Beat it, we're closed.
Why did the guy take a bath? Because he came, and it was too much of a mess.
A dad tells his son, "Stop masturbating! If you do it too long, you will go blind."
The son replied, "Dad, I'm over here!"
How long does it take to blow up a baby in the microwave?
I don't know, I close my eyes when I masturbate...
Your momma so slutty, she masturbates with the Calgary Tower.
2, 4, 6, 8, you're staying up too late.
2, 4, 6, 8, all I do is master bait.
Once a boy named penis had a crush on a girl named vagina. Their teacher found out and explained not to bump into each other; as innocence, they said yes.
One day, penis found his teacher in the bed naked masturbating. The teacher wanted hardcore anal sex, but vagina found it out and went to see them. The teacher told vagina that it's normal. Penis said, "Gosh, that it's normal, I put my dildo in vagina's pussy." Then they three had a hell of a time and they all were pleasured, but after six months, they both had a child, one named dildo and another named pussy.
So, narrated, it can be told that penis had sex with vagina and her teacher normally but ended up getting a dildo and pussy.
Spread my legs like butter n finger me hard. 👅👅👅
Q. What's a compulsive masturbator's favourite food?
A. Jackfruit
What is anonymous 🤔 oral masturbation? the politically correct word for anonymous gay fellatio from a 🕳 glory hole inside a 📖 adult book store
You masturbate...
AAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
You won't get any Squirtle and Bulbasaur pets.
Ex-girlfriend: "I can smell fish."
Ex-boyfriend: "I can smell shit."
Ex-boyfriend: "Well, how many boys swam down there?"
Ex-girlfriend: "20!"
Fish: "It wasn't me. I don't swim around mistakes."
Say this to someone who is fat that you don't like (make sure he's a virgin):
"You're so fat you can sell shaaade!! That's why you're a virgin and you masturbaaate!!! Yeah, I've see you, touching your 1 centimetre and if you have a gf she's is a cheater!!"
Make sure to say "shaaade" not "shade". And say "maturbaaate" (also try to say a D not a T in maturbaaate) not "masturbate".
When slave owners can't get a girlfriend, do they MASTERbate?
What do you call a herd of cows masturbating?
Beef strokin' off.