Masturbation Jokes

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

What did the man's dick say to the man?

I just can't "hand"le it!

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

I want a relationship *Masturbates* I don't want a relationship

Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?

Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.

The image shows a meme with three cats and text on a pink and blue gradient background. The text reads: "Masturbation is necrophilia if you're dead inside. ...halt." The first cat is on the left, sitting upright. The second cat, at the top right, wears a police uniform. The third cat is fainter, at the bottom right.

If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.

Walking's a chore, let alone crawling.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

Which dinosaurs masturbated the most? Triceratops, they were the horniest!

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

What do you call a masturbating cow

Beef stroking off

My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God. It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

I feel bad for cumming on my turtle.

Why the fuck would I do that? I should have never masturbated in front of my turtle. So basically I was watching porn on my 55 inch tv and my turtle was next to me on the couch. The porno was really old. It was a DVD from 2002. It was probably the hottest porn I have ever watched and honestly I'm probably going to watch porn on dvd instead of from the internet. The only reason I had my turtle with me was because whenever I cum, I feel really depressed and lonely, so I thought that if my turtle watched with me I wouldn't feel lonely. Well, I started stroking my willie, I used lotion, I took all my clothes off, but my dumbass forgot the tissues. I realized that I forgot to grab tissues but it was too late. I was going to cum. I didn't want to cum everywhere so I had to think fast. It was when I saw my turtle when I realized what I had to do. I came like a motherfucker. My turtle was painted with my cum in his tiny little face and all around his shell. He didn't say a word about it, he didn't move, he just stood there looking at me like I killed a bunch of children. I would never forget the look my turtle gave me. His disappointing face broke my heart. I put on my clothes, I took my turtle to the bathroom and cleaned him off. What happened, happened. But my turtle would never forget what happened. My turtle, Tommy, would never forgive me. Today, I passed by him and I know he still remembers what I did to him 3 hours ago. My only wish is that one day, Tommy the turtle will forgive me for my horrible sins.

Please Fokes you can hit the thumbs up button on the ones you like. There is no need to repost..

*Anyways*

Knock knock Who's there? Can I come in? Can I come in who? Can I Come In You!?

More often than not, I will cry when I masturbate.. Some nights I'm a real tear jerker! But on the nights and I smoke a lil pot and then masturbate, my dad ends up bugging me because I am a weed wacker.

How do you keep a dog from humping your leg? Pick him up and suck his dick.

How does Popeye keep his manly part from rusting? He sticks it in Olive Oil.

Snow White and the seven dwarfs are in the the tub feeling "HAPPY". Happy got out now they are fucking "GRUMPY"

What's worse than waking up and finding a "Penis" drawn on your forehead? Finding out it was "Traced"

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster what would you have? 3 feet of my cock up your ass

Did you know Batman was actually Black? Yeah he couldn't go a night with out Robyn!

Did you hear Gods Word Of The Day? Its Legs! Now lets go out and spread them.

What do you call a Mexican woman with no legs? Cunt-sway-low

Whats worse than sucking 25 oysters out of your Grandmas Pussy? Realizing you only put in 15

When I was 14, my mum caught me wanking, and she slapped me across the face. A couple weeks later, my dad caught me having a beer, and he made me drink 40 beers. I just thought, "Well, I'm glad he didn't catch me wanking."