Masturbation jokes

Roses are red, give me some limes, boy dies after masturbating 42 times.

How long does it take for 5 babies to die in the microwave?

I don't know, I can't count while I masturbate...

What's a good way to masturbate?

Get somebody to do it for you.

What's the difference between a gun and my will to live? None, they are both absent.

Would masturbating while smoking weed be considered masturblazing, weedwhacking, or highjacking?

There was once a man from Peru. Who fell asleep in a canoe. While dreaming of Venus, He played with his penis, And awoke with a hand full of goo.

I want a relationship.

*Masturbates*

I don't want a relationship.

Why did you always see Michael Jackson wearing two white gloves?

Because masturbation is against Michael Jackson's religious beliefs.

What do you call a 96-year-old who can still masturbate?

Miracle Whip.

If you start at a bait shop, you're an amateur baiter, but once you achieve the highest level, you become a master baiter. Now buy a shrimp boat and become a master baiter on a shrimp boat.

I will never forget the moment when my father saw me masturbating. He said, "Son, what are you doing? I'm on a video conference - get out of my office!"

I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.

I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"

I masturbated by accident. I read the wrong thing And tested its factuality.

Well, it's been some good years now, haven't they? Being your own partner has never felt so together.

Walking's a chore, let alone crawling.

Doctor: You should stop masturbating.

Me: Doc, I'm almost done.

Which dinosaurs masturbated the most? Triceratops, they were the horniest!

I saw my sister masturbating with a carrot. I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like carrots!"

What do you call a masturbating cow?

Beef stroganoff.

My mom telling me the brief history of the blanket and how she received it from her cousin. (⁠ ⁠╹⁠▽⁠╹⁠ ⁠)

Me sitting anxiously in place pretending to be amazed by the story, and reacting with kind cheerfulness and a big smile. (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)

All I can actually think about: "I m@sturbated under it- aaaaaah" ಠ⁠◡⁠ಠ

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.