Marriage jokes

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

So, one day I have a wife, but if it's getting a longer day, she is moving so weird, and I see she has sex with Rick Astley. 😂 [rickrolled]

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?

Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.

I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.

She is not “fun to be around.”

Some marriages can make short people look like Shaquille O'Neal.

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

Three men walk into a bar. The 1st says, "Hey, how's it going?" The 2nd one says, "Great!" But then the 3rd man says, "Hello, where did my wife go? I swear she was just here!" What happened to the 3rd guy's wife?

The only food I want to review is my wife's rear end.

Why was the people's wedding so miserable...

'Cause during the kiss someone farted so loud and stinky, they agreed to never try to have another wedding.

How to make the kissing in a tree recognizable: me and you k.i.s.s.i.n.g., tree sitting, wedding, love, then comes love, then comes baby in the carriage, then hate comes, divorce and purse.

FEW!!!!!!!

What can't a sniper say to his wife?

"I missed you."

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

Why did Stephen Hawking die?

Because his wife changed the WiFi password, because he was having an affair with his shoulder.

"Me and Explain Boat (RapBoat) are going to be married tomorrow," - Explain Bear.

My wife and I watched the movie Indecent Proposal last night. Afterwards, I asked her if she'd sleep with Robert Redford for $1,000,000. She said, "Sure, but where am I gonna get that kind of money?"

What does a stuttering Santa call Mrs. Claus?

A hoe hoe hoe.

Why can't a homeless person be seen around your wife?

Because she'll ask for her cardboard box! Ahahah.

What do you call a pig in a blanket?

My wife on a cold day.