Marriage jokes

Did you know that your son has been deeper inside of your wife than you have...unless you put the coat hanger up there?

A husband and wife get into a fight. The wife says, "Go blow off some steam. I’ll let you fuck a hooker." So he does that, comes back, and says, "I’m off the hook now!"

Some marriages can make short people look like Shaquille O'Neal.

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce down south?

Nothing. Someone's losing a trailer.

Why was the people's wedding so miserable...

'Cause during the kiss someone farted so loud and stinky, they agreed to never try to have another wedding.

My wife asked me to please quit singing "Wonderwall" in the shower.

I said, "Maybe."

I tripped over my wife’s bra. It was a booby trap!

A woman walks out of the bathroom, winks at her husband and says, “I shaved down there; you know what that means.”

The husband responds, “Yeah, the drain is clogged.”

What’s worse than banging your sister?

Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.

Wife: Honey, I’m pregnant. Husband: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad. Wife: No, you’re not.

A man wakes up and asks his wife, “Are you okay? You were cursing me all night in your sleep.” The wife replies, “Who says I was sleeping?”

If a gay male is married to a well-endowed, physically challenged gay male that has been sleeping in bed for three hours nonstop, and he wants him to wake up so he can fix him his morning breakfast, how does he wake him up?

Wake up sleeping Jesus by giving him a blowjob.

The wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was tiers.

My wife is so fat. I finally got up the energy to walk around to the other side. I found someone else!

My wife is so fat. She buys her clothes at Tent & Awning!

A guy goes into the gas station and says, "I need a box of rubbers with pesticide."

The cashier said, "Pesticide? Don't you mean spermicide?"

The guy says, "No! My old lady has had a bug up her ass all week, and I am going to kill it."

Two antennas got married. The ceremony dragged on, but the reception was excellent.

My wife said to me, "You really have no sense of direction, do you?"

I said, "Where the fuck did that come from?!"

Why did God create sex for marriage?

Because he wanted more people and less fun.

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”