What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
Hit your wife harder.
My wife was going to have an abortion and I have cancer.
Ha Ha Ha
I thought it was funny.
I almost secretly married a watermelon, but I cantaloupe.
Cameron and Pav.
A man was having a dream. He dreamt about a mystical creature that was commonly known as the god of toast.
When the man woke up, he turned to tell his wife about the dream. When he delivers the "toast god" punchline, his wife shrugged as she faced the opposite direction to the man.
The man turned around also and started sobbing as he realised his marriage is in shambles.
My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
I brought my girlfriend home and introduced her to my family. My kids liked her, but my wife seemed upset.
I once asked a sketchy man at a bar for some relationship advice. He simply replied, "They're all dead hookers once they're in the trunk."
Why did Wi-Fi and the computer get married?
Because they had a connection.
Why has Stephen Hawking stopped playing hide and seek with his wife? Because she keeps using a metal detector.
A drunk man walked out of a bar and kept falling flat on his face. He wondered why this was until his wife spoke to him:
Wife: "Why is your face all bloody?"
Husband: "I was so drunk that I couldn't stand up, so I kept falling on my face!"
Wife: "Idiot. You left your wheelchair at the bar!"