Marriage jokes

What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.

What's white and bloody?

Two doves in a trash compactor. Talk about a failed marriage.

Why was Stephen Hawking's wife mad at him?

She caught him having an affair with his shoulder.

MOM: Honey, I'm pregnant.

DAD: Hi, Pregnant, I'm Dad.

MOM: No, you're not.

My wife and I have been married over 30 years, but don’t get me wrong, we still perform tricks in the bedroom.

I sit up and beg, she rolls over and plays dead.

My fifth wife asked me to help her dig in the garden. Here we go again.

A friend of mine just got divorced. He and his ex-wife split the house. He got the outside.

I hooked up with the groom at my uncle's wedding.

The wife said, "Honey! Do you like my new teeth?"

The husband replied, "They remind me of stars, darling!"

"Yellow and far apart."

My wife found a rock and asked if it was expensive, and I said it "leavarite". She said, "Is that expensive?" and I told her, "Leave it right there."

American says: "US mein shaadi E-mail se hoti hai..."

Sardar ji says: "Accha, India me to shaadi.....Fe-mail se hoti hai...!!!"

What do bees do when they get married?

They go on a honeymoon.

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day, and the teacher was talking about life. The teacher asked him, "Little Johnny, how do you want your wife to be like?" Little Johnny answered, "Like the moon." The teacher said, "That's such a beautiful answer because it's calm and peaceful." Little Johnny replied, "No, because it appears at night and disappears in the morning."

What did the man say to his wife? "Make me a damn sandwich, woman!"

Before: Caring & Noble.

After: Chernobyl.

A man in conversation with his friend says that his wife is on a 3-week diet. The friend curiously asks, how much has she lost? The man replies, "her life."

My marriage was on the rocks, so I buried my wife under some.

I like my marriages like I like my whiskey: on the rocks.

My wife is not only gone like gonorrhea, she is also gone because of my (and now her) gonorrhea.

A NASA scientist is sitting in a bar when a Martian walks in and orders a martini.

The NASA scientist quickly realizes he is dreaming and wakes up. He turns to his wife and tries to explain the dream, but she rolls over and ignores him because she is tired of listening to him.

The NASA scientist begins to sob because his marriage is in shambles. lmao.