Man jokes

There were these three men; their names were Shit, Shut up, and Manners. One day, they were riding in their car, and Shit fell out, so Manners went out to pick Shit up, and Shut up went to the police station.

When he got there, the police officer said, "What's your name, son?" and Shut up said, "Shut up." The officer replies with, "Ummm...excuse me?!" and Shut up said, "Shut up!" and the officer said, "Boy, where are your manners?" and Shut up said, "Round the corner picking up Shit!"

What do you call a black man flying a plane?

A pilot, you racist bastard!

A guy dies and finds himself in Hell. Despondent, he sits on the ground and weeps uncontrollably.

Demon: "Why so sad, my friend?"

Guy: "What do you think? I'm in hell!"

Demon: "Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinkin' man?"

Guy: "Sure, I love to drink."

Demon: "Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we do, is drink. Whiskey, tequila, vodka, beer... We drink till we throw up and then drink some more."

Guy: "Gee, that sounds great!"

Demon: "You a smoker?"

Guy: "You better believe it."

Demon: "Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from around the world and smoke our fucking lungs out. If you get cancer, it's ok, you're already dead!"

Guy: "Golly."

Demon: "I bet you like to gamble."

Guy: "Yes, as a matter of fact, I do."

Demon: "Good, because Wednesday is gambling day. Craps, blackjack, horse races, you name it."

Guy: "Wow."

Demon: "You like to do drugs?"

Guy: "Well, I love to do drugs. You don't mean..."

Demon: "That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. Smoke a joint the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, and if you overdose, it's ok... You're already dead!"

Guy: "Neat! I never realized hell was such a swingin' place!"

Demon: "You gay?"

Guy: "Uh, no."

Demon: "Ohhh... You're gonna hate Fridays...."

A man with no arms is tasked with a lot of jobs. Then he says to his boss, "I can't handle all of this!"

Unfortunately, I had bad luck and faced infidelity.

Picture this: the bedroom door opens and I see my girlfriend in bed with two men...

I didn’t expect her to come back so early.

What do you call a man with a Johnny on his nose? Fuck nose.

"Yes?" she inquires with a knowing smile. "May I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one who gives the handjobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The man replies, "Well, wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

How does Skeletor feel after He-Man beats him up?

Skelesore.

Man, your hairline is so bad it started from the beginning of the month to the end!

What's the difference between a crumbled man and 9/11... nothing, they're both crumbled.

I came across a pic of the oldest man on earth on IG. He was 132 years old.

I commented "age is just a number" for him; now I'm banned.

If you are a girl and your favorite movie as a kid was Mulan, they successfully made a man out of you.

I saw a man. I saw another man. And I saw another. Where am I? Comment below.

Why is an orphan's favorite movie Spider-Man: No Way Home?

South Tower: Man, that was da bomb.

North Tower: No, that was da plane.

Teddy’s got a man in his Fanny.

An orphan comes up to me and says, "You're ugly." I said, "You remind me of Spider-Man: No Way Home."

How did a man know his wife died?

Dishis start piling up.

A man tried to tame a horse, but always failed. The news spread around town that this man couldn’t tame one single horse.

One day, the man went to a bar, where a fairly old man sat next to him. “Well partner!” He began. “I guess your dream horse is more of a NIGHT-MARE!”

The dear God created the man.

Then he created woman.

When he then saw what he had done, he took care of tobacco and alcohol.