Two fish are in a tank. One says, "You man the guns, I'll drive!"
I was in a public bathroom in a handicap stall, and when I got out, a handicapped man told me that I was an a**hole. I told him, "Bet you won't stand up and say that to my face," and then he broke down.
I once saw a one-handed man in a second-hand store.
I said to him: "I don't think they have what you're looking for, sir."
Old man goes to the doctor.
The doctor says, "The test results are back, and I'm sad to say you have cancer and Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "Phew! At least it's not cancer!"
A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree. He now knew how the Mercedes bends.
After watching Star Wars 8, I have to say Snoke was half the man I expected him to be.
Q) What do you call Iron Man when he can't swim?
A) Robert Drowney Jr.
A man was asked by his 21 years old daughter, "Dad, how do you give a blowjob to a man that has a big dick?"
Her father replied, "Honey, you should have watched me last night. It was inside my mouth. Does it cycle now?"
Man, my Muslim friend's the bomb!
What talks high pitched and can't fly?
A gay man in Iran.
What is the most dangerous mountain? Kilimanjaro.
Why are Japanese always so skinny?
Cause last time there was a fat man, an entire city disappeared.
Man walks into a bar and sees a bear serving drinks... Sits down looking astonished. The bear says, "what's the matter you never saw a bear serving drinks?" The man says, "it's not that, I just never thought the moose would sell the place."
What's red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
A man and a cow are stuck on train tracks, and there is a train in the distance about to hit both of them. A vegan sees this and tries to help. Who does he save, the man or the cow?
Neither. He isn't strong enough to lift either of them.
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller? -- "Curses! Foil again!"
How do you punish a blind man?
Leave the plunger in the toilet.
I went to the dam to take the dam tour, but the dam tour guide told me there wasn't going to be a dam tour that day. So I was thirsty and I wanted some dam water, but the dam man wouldn't give me any dam water, so I told the dam man to keep his dam water.
What do you call an Irish man that breaks up fights?
Liam Malone.
A millionaire LOVES alligators and filled his pool full of alligators. One night he has a party and says, "Whoever can swim from one end to the other of the alligator infested pool unharmed will get a prize, my daughter or a million dollars." Some people line up but they are hesitant. One man gets in the water, swims from one end to the other unharmed, and went to the millionaire. The millionaire says, "Wow, I can't believe you did it! So what's your prize?" The guy says, "I don't care about the million dollars or your daughter, I just want to know who the b@$*ard was that pushed me in the pool!"
