Man jokes
Two gay men walk into a bar. One of them turned to the other and said, "Hey, what do you say we get out of here?"
Knock knock.
"Who's there?"
A man with a drum.
"Well, tell him to beat it!"
I wondered why there was red all over my bathroom til I found out that my sis had dyed her hair red. Man, it looked like somebody died in there! Lol.
Bill really said "your body, my choice," like, my man, it's your body, MY choice.
What made Adam and Eve's marriage perfect?
He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about his Mom's cooking.
Three men are traveling through the desert when their single camel dies. They walk for a while, but then it becomes night. Desperate for shelter, they suddenly stumble across a tent, and inside are three beautiful women. The men were not only lost but horny, too, so they begin to have sex with the women. But the tent belongs to a prince, and these three women were his wives, so he is very angry when he arrives an hour later and sees three strangers having sex with his wives. He tells the three men he will chop off their penises as punishment, in some way relating to their job. He asks the first man what his job is:
The guy says, "I'm a fireman."
The prince says, "Then we'll burn your dick off!"
The second guy says, "I'm an employee at the shooting range."
The prince says, "Then we'll shoot your dick off!"
The third guy smiles and says, "I'm a lollipop salesman."
What's the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?
So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.
Three men are working on a building site.
Every day, they sit down to eat their lunch together at the top of the building.
The first man opens his lunchbox to reveal a ham sandwich.
"By god," the man exclaims, "I hate ham sandwiches. I’ve been working in construction for twenty years, and every day, despite me telling her how much I despise it, my wife gives me a ham sandwich. If I get a ham sandwich in my lunch again, I will throw myself off the top of this building and kill myself."
The second man opens his lunchbox, revealing a cheese sandwich.
"Holy crow, another cheese sandwich! I hate these things, I tell you. Every day, I tell my wife how much I despise cheese sandwiches, but I still get them in my lunch. I’m with you buddy—if I ever get a cheese sandwich in my lunch again, I’m killing myself."
The third man, having opened his lunchbox, now pipes in.
"I don’t believe it—another tuna sandwich! If I had a penny for every time I’ve told my wife how much I hate these, I wouldn’t have to work on this sordid site no more! I’m sick of it—count me in, if I get a tuna sandwich in my lunchbox again, I’m killing myself."
The next day, the three men regroup at the top of the building and open their lunchboxes: the first man – a ham sandwich, the second – a cheese sandwich, the third – a tuna sandwich.
The three men exchange solemn looks before jumping in unison from the height of the building.
At the funeral for the three men, their grieving wives turn to each other.
"If only I’d known how much he didn’t like ham sandwiches," says the first man’s wife, "I always thought he was being ironic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like cheese sandwiches," says the second man’s wife, "I always thought he was being sarcastic!"
"And if only I’d known how much he didn’t like tuna sandwiches," says the third man’s wife, "but I don’t know what good it would have done—the fool made his own lunch!"
Yo man, stand up.
*short person stands*
No, seriously man, stand up!
A man is on his death sentence, and he gets to choose his last meal.
He asks his guard for a McDonald's Ice Cream, and lives a very long life. They never found a working machine.
A man is watching TV and his wife comes down and says, "I just fell down the stairs, did you not hear me?"
Man, "Sorry, I thought it was the start of Eastenders!"
My friend said he saw a blind man. I said, "Did he LOOK nice?"
A man found out that he was going to die.
A German doctor comes in and says "you have 10 more". The man yells out "10 WHAT!! DAYS!!!! WEEKS!!!". And the doctor says "No seconds". And the man says "9 SECONDS!!!" And the doctor says "Nein. Ten seconds". He asked "How many seconds do I have to live 10, 9 , or...?"
Then he died and learned how to say no in German....
What do you call a trans superhero team?
Ex-men.
I was working in an iPhone store in Norwich when a man came! He said, "Give me a hat-trick or I will destroy your store!" I said, "No," and he started to smash phones! I immediately screamed, "Important game!" and he disappeared! Shame on you, Penaldo, for ruining my store! 😡😡
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
Why do gay men hate periods? Because they per Collins.
Trump and two of his friends are stranded on an island with no internet connection and no way of getting home.
As they frantically run around the island trying to get a signal so Trump can call his private helicopter to come and pick them up, Trump's wig falls off and lands on a magical lamp, from which suddenly appears a genie.
As Trump replaces his wig, the genie announces that he will grant each man one wish for freeing him. The men stop to confer. The first one says he will wish for a plane to rescue him, the second wishes for a boat to rescue him, and they tell Trump to wish for a helicopter to rescue him.
Trump, being Trump, nods and says yes, but he wasn't really listening. Then they approach the genie. The first one of Trump's friends wishes for a plane to rescue him, as agreed. The second one of Trump's friends wishes for a boat to rescue him, as agreed. Then Trump is left all alone, but instead of wishing for a helicopter to rescue him, as agreed, he says, "Aww, I'm lonely now. I wish both my friends were here with me!"
I took my girlfriend out the other day... Man, do I love being a sniper.