Man jokes
Did you hear about the man who backed into a meat grinder?
I guess you could say... he was a little behind on his work.
Your hairline is so bad man, I gave your doctor a breathalyzer.
What makes a healthy normal man different to a disabled man?
"They can move it, move it." (from King Julian)
A man walks into a bar.
Then he walks into a Pole.
Then the Pole says, "I surrender, Heil Hitler!"
Why did an old man fall in a well? Because he couldn’t see that well!
Why did the actor fall through the floorboards? They were going through a stage!
Why did a scarecrow win a Nobel prize? He was outstanding in his field!
Why are peppers the best at archery? Because they habanero!
What did the duck say after she bought chapstick? Put it on my bill!
What do you call a fake noodle? An impasta!
What did the three-legged dog say when he walked into a saloon? “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw!”
How do you tell the difference between a bull and a cow? It is either one or the udder!
What’s red and smells like blue paint? Red paint!
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is very heavy, the other is a little lighter!
To you, Iron Man may seem cool or awesome, but to me, he is pretty ironic.
A depressed man has been thinking of killing himself, and his friend says, "Find Jesus instead, he'll help you!"
And then the man says, "It's pretty hard to 'get help' from something that doesn't exist."
Cop: "I'm arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia."
Man: "Wait! I can explain everything!"
"Dude come here and see a rabbit!"
"Ok!"
"Are you ok, man?"
"Yeah, I’m fine."
"Dude, pull your pants back up!"
The poacher agrees but says that his assistant is ill and will need the man to come with him in his assistant's place. The man agrees, and so the poacher goes out to the jungle with the man.
The poacher brings a pair of handcuffs, a long stick, a shotgun, and a dog. They search through the jungle for about an hour and then spot a male gorilla above in the treetops.
The man asks the poacher what the plan is. The poacher replies, "I'm going to climb the tree and, when I get close enough, I'm going to start poking the gorilla with the stick until it falls out of the tree.
The dog is a specially trained dog. When the gorilla falls out of the tree, the dog will try to bite off the gorilla's balls. When the gorilla moves its hands to protect its balls, you put the handcuffs on it."
This all seems to make sense to the man, but he has one question. "What is the shotgun for?" he asks the poacher. The poacher responds: "If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog."
I saw a guy beat his girlfriend to a pulp after his girlfriend threw a phone in his face. I offered to call an ambulance, but he said he was fine.
What rock has four men that don't sing?
One Direction.
Q: How do you fit 4 gay men on a bar stool?
A: Flip the chair upside down.
When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
Neona: Gwen! I got the job!!!!!!!!!
Gwen: I knew it! I knew my prayer worked!
Neona: He said that all my ideas are the best and that I start on Monday!
Gwen: Man, don't you love Mr. Jaekson? He is the best person the company has ever had!
Neona: Who is Mr. Jaekson?
Gwen: Wait... Mr. Jaekson didn't interview you?
Neona: No! Mr. Smith did. He said he was standing.
Gwen: No, Mr. Smith, you are a fool who never lets you spread the word or do anything. I can also mention that he is a person who has sexual problems!
Neona: Gwen, you are a liar!
Gwen: No, I'm not. I'm telling the truth, Neona!
Neona: Gwen, please be happy that I got the job without you lying that Mr. Smith sexual assaults women!!!
Gwen: He does, you're not listening.
Neona: I don't care, BITCH!!!!
Sexy boy mmmmmmmmm yummyyyyyy!
I like my couches like my women... Old, used, and big enough to fit 3 men.
Hey, dude man. I'm a dude man.
Stephen Hawking was an unfaithful man. He had an affair with Alexa.