My aunt visited and saw all of the stuff around the house my mom had kept over the years and said, "If you have something that no one likes, and it only makes people upset, or it's useless, throw it away."
The next time my aunt visited, she said, "Where is your daughter?"
My mom said, "I took your advice."
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
My friend just got a new house. He told me to make myself at home, so I threw him out. I hate visitors.
I’d make fun of transgender women, but that’s low hanging fruit.
Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a Bloody Mary. The second orders a Bloody Mary. The bartender turns to the third and asks, “A Bloody Mary?”
The vampire shakes his head. “Hot water for me.”
“Hot water?”
“I found a tampon out back and want to make tea.”
Some people ask why jokes exist. I say, when a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they have sex, and they make another one of you.
What's the point of hiding the screaming speed bump you ran over? You might as well hit it again to A: Stop the screaming. B: Make it look like an actual speed bump. And C... You think it's hilarious the noise it makes when you ran over its stomach.
How do you make a dead baby float?
1 cup rootbeer 2 scoops dead baby.
What does a baby and a hand grenade have in common?
They both make noise when you throw them.
Do you guys know how to make a hoe in Minecraft?
You pick it up off the street.
They are making a movie about clocks.
It’s about time.
The Trump family are flying from New York to DC when Donald looks down on the cities below.
Trump: "I think I’ll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy."
Melania: "Oh honey, why not throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten Americans happy?"
Ivanka: "Even better daddy, throw 100 ten dollar bills out the window and make 100 people happy."
Pilot: "Why don’t you all jump out the window and make the whole country happy?"
Woman: What’s a good comeback for my sexist husband when he tells me to go make him a sandwich?
Husband: I know! How about you COMEBACK with a goddamn sandwich?
Why are frogs good at basketball?
Because they always make jump shots.
How to make an orphan BLEED?
Step 1 - Tell them to clap until they actually have a loving family.
Step 2 - LAUGH EVILLY as they BLEED.
Step 3 - Tell them to kys.
Step 4 - Leave that mental asylum.
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
What did scientists prove when they saw a skeleton on the moon?
The cow didn’t make it.
How do you know when your girlfriend is too young?
You have to make airplane noises to get her to open her mouth.
Sorry.
I was making vegetable soup yesterday, but the wheelchair wouldn’t fit.
What’s the difference between an LGBTQ and brain cells?
Brain cells make up their mind.
