Make jokes

You're so boring that you make war veterans die quicker, and yet they're still on life support.

What makes my life so unfair?

You invading it for no apparent reason.

Who is the Hamburglar's perverted cousin?

The Turdburglar.

You really do not want to see the mess these two make of the washrooms in a fast food joint.

Why would you make jokes about birth control?

It's a great labour-saving invention.

So, this kid told me what high school he was going to and asked me if I thought he would make it in.

I said, "No, they don't have double doors."

What's the best part about duck tape?

It turns "No, no, no!" into "Mmmm, mmmmm, mmmmm!"

It makes it real easy to get to home base on that first date, too.

The next woman who says she'd rather be alone in the woods with a bear, I'm throwing her in a pit with a bear and making her fight it with a wooden sword while drinking and singing "The Bear and the Maiden Fair."

Isn't it ironic that the actually nice people tend to be suicidal?

Think about it: suicide exists to make sure bad people bother each other instead.

Q: What's the difference between Jeffrey Epstein and wind chimes?

A: Wind chimes don't make a gurgling sound when they're hung.

Three nuns die in a car crash, but they all make it to heaven. They're standing at the pearly gates, and Saint Peter says to them, "Don't worry, you're going to get in, but first I need you to answer these questions."

He asks the first nun, "What was the name of the first woman?" The nun says, "Eve." Saint Peter says, "Go on in."

Then he asks the second nun, "Where did Adam and Eve live?" The second one says, "The Garden of Eden." Saint Peter says, "You can go through."

Finally, he gets to the third nun and says, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" The nun stands there a little confused and says, "Boy, that's a hard one." Saint Peter, shocked, goes, "That's correct! Go on in."

I am starting a business where I help people count. It is called making the little things count.

I wanted to make a joke about dandruff.

People are still scratching their heads over it.

Your mama's so fat, she needed NASA to make her ID card!

It's okay if you miss while saying "Kobe" because he didn't make it either.

A project manager, a mechanical engineer, and a computer scientist are on a road trip through the mountains. As they're going down a pass, the brakes suddenly fail. The car goes off the road and crashes down into the valley. A bit dazed, the three of them get out.

The project manager says, "Well, the best thing to do is to have a meeting and assess the situation."

The mechanical engineer replies, "Nonsense, I have my pocketknife, I'll fix the brakes with that."

Then the computer scientist comes along and says, "Why make it so complicated? Let's push the car back up the road, get in, and see if it happens again."

Husband: "Honey, I just bought these special Olympic-style condoms!"

Wife: "Olympic-style condoms? What makes them so special?"

Husband: "They come in three colors: gold, silver, and bronze."

Wife: "Ooh, sweet. What color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, of course!"

Wife: "Why don't you wear silver? It would be nice if you came second for a change."

How do you make a baby survive a fall of over 300 metres?

I don't know. I've dropped dozens off the Empire State Building and none have lived.

Julius Caesar & Tork Poettschke at the doctor's office:

"The doctor has now sent me the bill."

"Make him aware of his duty of confidentiality!"

I'd make you fall harder than the South Tower.

How do you make an idiot say how?