Make Jokes

If drinking alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking fanta make you fantastic?

If I'm the night guard at the Samsung store, does that make me a guardian of the galaxy?

Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.

Three dead bodies are delivered to the mortuary one day. Each of them has a great big smile on their face.

The coroner examines the bodies and then calls the police to tell them what has happened.

"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector," says the coroner.

"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile."

The inspector then asks, "What about the third body?"

"Ah," says the coroner, "This is the most unusual one. Billy-Bob the redneck from Oklahoma, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why is he smiling then?" asks the inspector.

"He thought he was having his picture taken."

making fun of someone you're angry with is childish. Be an adult and hit them with your car <3

Why did God make pigs before politicians?

He just needed some practice.

When someone calls you, say this: "Hi, welcome to Dave’s Orphanage. You make them, we take them. How may I help you?"

I've just been fired from the clock-making factory after all those extra hours I put in.

If you say to someone, "Have a nice day!" it will make them happy. If you say, "Enjoy the next 24 hours," they'll be terrified.

My mom asked me to stop making jokes about suicide.

I answered, "Don't worry... I'll stop soon."

You take care of chickens. Does that make you a chicken tender?

Suicidal people are a big contributor to the rope making industry.

How do you make any salad into a caesar salad?

Stab it twenty-three times.

whats the hardest part when making skimmed milk? throwing the cow across the lake

My sister thinks she's so smart. She said, "Onions are the only food that makes you cry." So I threw a coconut at her.

Two hunters were walking through the forest one day. All of the sudden, one of them passes out. The other hunter panics and dials 911. The emergency responder says, “911, what's your emergency?” The hunter replies, “My friend just passed out and I don’t know what to do! I think he might be dead!” The emergency responder replies, “Before you do anything, make sure he is dead.” The phone goes silent, and then the responder hears a gunshot. The hunter gets back on the phone and says, “Ok, now what?”

Kids in the backseat make accidents, and accidents in the back seat make kids.

How do you make an orphan's hands bleed? Tell him to clap until his parents come home.

My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.