Make jokes
A man and his friend walk into a bar on a 30-story building and order a drink of beer. Then one of the men jumps out the window and he can fly, so he says to his mate, "Gary, take a sip of this drink, it makes you fly!" So Gary takes a sip of the drink, jumps out the window, and dies. And the bartender says, "Gee, Superman, you're a douche when you drink!"
A 23 year old priest walks into a high school with an automatic weapon. He tells those who believe in God to stand up and leave.
To the children who don't leave, he says, "Do not worry my children, I shall make thou 'hole-y' as well."
He then proceeds to shoot all of the students left.
Man: I'm here for the job interview.
Employer: Oh good, good. Sit down. We don't get many people for the interviews.
Man: Just anywhere?
Employer: Yeah, make yourself comfortable. Jackson, right?
Man: Yeah, that's me.
(Shakes hands and sits back down)
Employer: So what makes you eligible for the job, Jackson?
Man: Well, I'm really good at capturing the perfect shot and angle. It really takes dedication to do this type of job. Concentration and willpower, sir.
Employer: I like you already, you're hired!
Man: Wow, thanks, sir. I know I won't do you wrong. I'll work hard for this job!
Employer: You start now! Your first person is a man named John F Kennedy.
Man: What? You want me to just take pictures of him during the parade?
Employer: No.
Man: This... This is a photography job, right?
Employer: No... this is a job employment for man hunting.
How do you make a plumber cry?
Break his pipes...
My girlfriend said, "GIMME EIGHT INCHES AND MAKE IT HURT!"
So I pumped my dick in her 4 times and hit her in the head with a brick.
I went, I saw, I poop at hole. I make a portal.
Rape, 9/11, abortion, orphan, murder, dead, kill, drugs.
What makes all these categories so familiar? Either you've experienced them, or made them up in your backstory.
How do Chinese people get their names? Their parents throw woks down the stairs and name their children after the sound it makes.
Make this the most liked post.
How do you make a blond snowman? You can't, you have to hollow out the head.
Why did Stephen Hawking make it to heaven?
He couldn't make it up the stairs.
Why are you censoring my friend Franz? He's just making jokes, but you admins get offended too easily, f*cktards!
So the other day my black friend and I were working on a group project. He was so slow so I whipped him to make him faster.
The orphans all died!!!
Oh wait, no one cares...
Their parents are all dead anyway. We are just making them happier. They get to join their parents in hell.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't make a 9/11 joke?
When the school shooter makes the emo kid hang himself and the autistic kid thinks it's a piñata: 🤪🏏
Why did I make this joke?
Because I love jokes!
How do you make a baby cry?
You punch it in the face.
My cat sleeps about 20 hours a day. She has her food prepared for her. She can eat whenever she wants, 24/7/365. Her meals are provided at no cost to her. She visits the doctor once a year for her checkup, and again during the year if any medical needs arise. For this she pays nothing, and nothing is required of her.
She lives in a nice neighborhood in a house that is much larger than she needs, but she is not required to do any upkeep. If she makes a mess, someone else cleans it up. She has her choice of luxurious places to sleep. She receives these accommodations absolutely free. She is living like a queen, and has absolutely no expenses whatsoever. All of her costs are picked up by others who go out and earn a living every day.
I was just thinking about all this, and suddenly it hit me like a brick in the head, Holy Sh*t, my cat is a Democrat!
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
What does a baby computer call his father? Data!
What do you call a bear without any teeth? A gummy bear!
Why did the golfer change his pants? Because he got a hole in one!
Does anyone need an ark? I Noah guy!
How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
I bought a ceiling fan the other day. Complete waste of money. He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is.”