I was cooking eggs the other day. It was very egg-citing, although, I was exaggerating, but, if you think that wasn’t funny to you, then you’re hard-boiled. That’s all for today, yolks! So I said before several cats starting fighting, that sh*t was a catastrophe. These kittens were all like “You’ve gotta be kitten me.” Meanwhile, in the ocean, they just waved, see what I did there? You shore you didn’t? Oh, alright, that’s okay bud- I guess these ocean puns are too deep for you. No? Okay- but, you know why the skeleton was lonely, eh? Oh, cause he had no body. Why didn’t the skeleton ask the girl out? He didn’t have the guts. What did the skeleton do to his gf? He boned her. No? Alright. Those didn’t make you laugh? Maybe I should hit your funny bone.
An older retired couple - the wife had grown tired of her husband farting in bed each night. One morning she put some chicken parts under the blankets in bed next to him and went off to make some coffee.
A few minutes later she hears a loud fart followed by a blood curdling scream. He comes out after a while and says, "Hon, you were right that I would fart my guts out. Took me the longest to put them back in."
How do you make Indians explode? Press the red button.
Q: You want to know why I don’t make jokes about 9/11?
A: They tend to crash and burn.
I got some new jeans yesterday, until I realized they didn't fit me around the waist, so I went looking for a belt. I couldn't find one. Then I had a really good idea. I could attach a ton of watches together to make a belt! But then I just thought it was a waste of time.
Q: What's 8 inches and makes my wife scream when I put it in her mouth?
A: Her dead fetus.
What kind of vegetable makes the best receptionist?
Cauliflower.
Q: How do you make a 9/11 cocktail?
A: Light two Manhattans on fire and then knock them over.
Hogwarts is making a new condom. It's called "fetus deletus."
What's the difference between an onion and a baby?
One makes you cry when you cut it up.
The person to make the first cannabinol cookbook had a wife and ate (eight) children.
Just watched an upsetting video. Please retweet. #Stop The Make-A-Wish Foundation.
Why didn't the skeleton want to make art anymore?
He didn't have the heart to put into it.
What's better than throwing up a stillborn?
Making your wife eat it again.
So Jesus has been nailed to the cross.
On the first day, he starts to moan, "Peter, Peter!"
Well, Peter hears Jesus moaning and feels it is important, so begins to go up the hill. On his way, he is met by some Roman soldiers and they proceed to beat his ass back down the hill.
On the second day, Peter hears Jesus moaning again, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter thinks to himself, this is important. He heads up the hill, fights past the first line, but gets a beatdown by the second group and back down the hill he goes.
On the third day, Peter is woken up by Jesus sounding very weak, but calling out, "Peter, Peter!"
Peter feels that whatever it is that Jesus needs him for must be very important. Peter heads up the hill, he is on a mission. He manages to fight his way thru three sets of Roman guards and make his way to the cross Jesus has been nailed to for three days. He looks up to Jesus and says, "Jesus, I have heard your calls, what is so important?"
Jesus- "Peter, I can see your house from here!"
Your mama is so ugly, she makes the devil cry.
People who torture others for making bad puns should be severely punished.
A horse, a fox, and a bunny join together and make a rock band. They started doing tiny gigs, but they got famous and went on tour. They all got so famous it went to their heads, and the band disbanded. The fox made his, and the bunny made her own. The horse was sad that the band was no more, so he went to a bar, and the bartender asked why the long face?
What’s red, slimy, and makes my wife scream? Two failed abortions!
What's red, 6 inches long, and makes my girlfriend cry when I feed it to her?
Her miscarriage.
