Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered, "Y?"
My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.
Me: “You guys wanna know a cool fact?”
Friend 1: “Yeah.”
Friend 2: “Yea.”
Me: “Japan is RIGHT that way. If we swim all night...we’ll be able to get to Japan.”
Friend 3: “I love anime.”
Friend 1 & 2: “Nononononononononono!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Me: *Laughs at Friend 3*
Kid 1: I like you! Do you like me?
Kid 2: No. You never asked if I love you!
Kid 1: Aw, do you love me?
Kid 2: No!
Girlfriend: "Would you still love me if I was a figment of your imagination?"
My schizophrenic ass: Of course I would.
Why do women love wind chimes?
They vibrate.
Hey girl, are you a scientist?
Cause you made my thing into a baking soda volcano.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'll be the dolphin, you can be the jellyfish.
What has 2 legs and loves to play with little kids? The local priest.
What do lesbians love to use in art class?
Scissors.
Technoblade would love it here.
Why Cristiano Ronaldo loves oranges??
Because they contain vitamin suiiiii!
There's a new Michael Jackson biopic in the works. There is a possibility that we will know who his love interest was.
What we know so far: Billie Jean is not his lover, and that kid [seen with him] is not his son. We also know that Michael Jackson said that sharing his bed with little boys is "healing" and an act of "sharing the love," so take that as you will.
When butterflies fall in love, do they feel humans in their stomach?
Roses are red, Violets are blue, You look like Shrek, And you make me peck.
Roses are red, Violets are blue, I need your peach, and I'll torture you with a speech.
Roses are red... blood is too... I wonder how blood would look on you.
MU, I love your joke, but I cut myself a piece of cake, pie, steak, cheesecake, and anything else I can find.
I hate stairs. They are always up to something.
I love stairs. They are always down to party.
Relationships are like fat people.
Most of them don’t work out.
