Jacob Wheet, If You Don't Understand Look It Up
I picked up a document, and I started to feel cold.
I looked down at the document, and it read "DRAFT."
This one time I said that John Cena looks like crap.
But I realized I can't see him. LOL!
What is the reason for why women never look to the right?
Because they don't have any rights.
What's the similarity between women and car parking spaces? The good ones are always taken, and sometimes when nobody's looking, you slip in the disabled one.
Look in a mirror.
What do you call 2 octopuses that look exactly the same? -- Identical.
A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"
The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."
"Yeah, that's the one!"
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, "We're looking for someone who is responsible."
"Well, I'm your man," I replied, "In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
I walked into a room full of men masturbating. They all looked shocked when I didn't stop.
What do women put on their ears to look more attractive?
Their knees.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof.
Since it started raining, all my wife has done is look sadly through the stupid window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
Yo mama so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner--and she looked.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a ravishing blonde, and an old lady are sharing a compartment on a train as it winds its way through the Alps. Every now and then the train passes through a tunnel, during which time the compartment is plunged into complete darkness. On one such occasion, a ringing slap is heard, and as the train passes back into daylight, the Frenchman is rubbing his sore, red cheek.
The old lady thinks, "I bet that dirty Frenchman fondled the blonde, and she struck the pervert."
The blonde thinks, "I bet that filthy Frenchman was looking to grope me in the dark, mistook the old lady for me, and she slapped him."
The Frenchman thinks, "I bet that perfidious Englishman touched up the blonde in the dark, and she slapped me by mistake."
The Englishman thinks, "I can't wait for another tunnel so I can slap that French twat again."
Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?"
Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
He: "Do you smoke after sex?"
She: "I don't know. I've never looked."
A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed. The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the escape lane, and came safely to a halt.
The physicist said, "We need to model the friction in the brake pads and the resultant temperature rise, see if we can work out why they failed."
The engineer said, "I think I've got a few spanners in the back. I'll take a look and see if I can work out what's wrong."
The programmer said, "Why don't we get going again and see if it's reproducible?"
A blind man once told me he smokes a lot because he has nothing to look forward to. Well, let's just say that I see his point.
Why did the bald man paint rabbits on his head?
Because from a distance, they looked like hare.
