A failed marriage is like an Avengers movie.
First someone snaps, then half your stuff is gone.
Like Jokes
I hope I die peacefully in my sleep like my mother.
Not screaming like her passengers.
I saw my sisters masturbating with cucumbers and hotdogs.
I said, "Come on, I was gonna eat that later! Now it's just gonna taste like hotdogs and cucumbers!"
Do you like soccer? My favorite player is Ronaldo, but we can still get Messi.
How can you tell your best friend is gay?
His meat tastes like shit.
Every depressed person just has to say, "I WANT TO JUMP OFF THAT TALL BUILDING RIGHT THERE!" and then points to the building and runs up to it like an immature child, and then they get disappointed when they aren't allowed into the building.
McDonald's worker be like, "Hello, would you like a Mc-Dick?" (You looked down) You: "Uhh, where's my dick?"
Your hairline retreats from your face just like all the guys that look at you.
How many emo kids does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just like hanging in the dark.
"John FK, he think he special car no top, everyone see like he on parade. Me, I stay hidden, secret style, no bullets find me. Much smar smarter, no? Scret lifestyle safety."
I rate the atmosphere of Israel a 10/7; real good stuff there, looks like an actual movie!
Humor is like skin; the darker it gets, the less people like it.
Ms. Smith: Johnny, when I was a little girl, I was told if I made ugly faces, it would freeze, and I would stay like that.
Little Johnny: Well, Ms. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned.
How is a marriage like a hurricane?
In the beginning, there’s a lot of sucking and blowing, but at the end, you lose your house.
My last best man's speech was like the marriage--short, occasionally funny, and ultimately ruined by the bridesmaid.
COVID is like fashion...
We started hearing about it in Italy...
Became popular in LA and NYC...
Florida ignored it...
And it was all made in China in the end.
Egg shaped, dome, bowling ball lookin' ass, bald fuck with that 360 degrees ahh head, motherfucker look like a damn balloon.
Call me Kobe 'cause I'm finna use your head as a basketball and throw it at yo' parents. Mr. Clean, bootleg Saitama lookin' ass mfer. No hair? :(
I asked my sister to say something.
She said, "No."
That's what I like to hear.
Life is like a penis. It is short.
Like if you will sub to Patty Mahomes.
Comment if you will sub to Parker Finch.
