Like jokes
It was 7:00 a.m. when Billy ran downstairs after a long night of sleep. He got to the kitchen where his mother and father sat. "What would you like for breakfast?" Billy's mom asked politely. Billy replied with, "Whatever Dad gave you last night in your bedroom would be great! You seemed to like it very much!"
To start, I'm a big fella in size.
I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.
What is Trump's favorite snack?
Cheetos.
(Get it? He looks like a Cheeto!)
Like if you know an orphan.
I like porn a lot. I was wondering if you guys can talk to me.
How is an orphan like a boomerang?
They always come back!
Little boy asked his dad why he was born black.
Father replied, "So the heat from the sun doesn't burn your skin."
Then he asks, "Why is our hair all frizzy like fuse wire?"
"So the coconuts when falling from the trees won't hurt you."
"Then what are we doing living in Rochdale? (England)"
Lemme tell you a little story.
It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.
So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.
Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.
And finally... you peel back the last plank.
And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.
BOOOOOOO!!!!
It’s Anne Frank.
Me: Help, I'm stuck in a trap.
Friend: What kind?
Me: It's called life. Yeah, I've been trying to get out of it for six years now, it just won't let me go.
Friend: That's not funny..
Me: Yeah? Nor is wanting to die, yet I'm still over here laughing every time I try to.
Friend: I'm calling your mom.
Me: She knows.
Friend: What's she doing to help, then?
Me: She's supposed to help?
Friend: Have you told your dad?
Me: I will when he comes back.
Friend: Where is he?
Me: I don't know, he's been gone for 15 years.
Friend: ....
Me: What?
Friend: Why?
Me: Why what?
Friend: Why would you joke like that?
Me: I was joking..
Friend: I know.
Me: Oh. I didn't know.
Friend:...
Me: Have a nice day, I'll see you tomorrow... Maybe...
Gwen: Hi sir, how are you?
Tj: Good... you?
Gwen: I am super duper good! And where is your date? It seems like you need one 😉!
Tj: 😏.
Gwen: Here, this is your guest hall pass...you may...come in my friend!
Tj: Thanks but um, don't you think you should be um getting inside too?
Gwen: 🙁 No thanks sir but I have to work...I am the staff so bye! 😁.
Tj: NO!!!!!!
1 day later.
Gwen: 🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤕🤰🤰🤰👩👧👦
Little Johnny's mom got a call from school saying to come over. As she does, she is met by the principal. They go into his office and the principal says, "Your son is going to be suspended for a week for blowing clouds in the bathroom." The mother responds, "He is fifteen, how is he blowing clouds already? Bring him in here." A boy walks in, and Johnny's mother says, "This isn't my son, bring him in here, I would like a word with him." The principal replies, "Ma'am, this is Clouds." The mother faints.
Why didn't the kid cancer patients like his joke?
He said, "You'll understand when you get older!"
House parties are like churches: there's always an underage kid getting fucked somewhere.
Sans: "Like, I'm so *flabbergasted*."
Gaster: "👌☼⚐ ✌☼☜ ✡⚐🕆 💧☜☼✋⚐🕆💧 ☼✋☝☟❄ ☠⚐🕈✍"
Yo mama is so ugly, she made dirt look like a supermodel.
What color flowers do mama cats like to get?
Purrrrrrrple flowers.
Your hairline [is] so bad it went down like the Twin Towers.
What was OceanGate's biggest regret?
Not painting Dylan Mulvaney on the side of the Titan submarine for when it sunk like Bud Light's profits.
What do my mom and a basketball have in common?
My mom's tits and ass are bouncy, just like a basketball.
Most women are like the Twin Towers.
It's all fun and good when guys fly through them, but once the little people come jumping off them, it becomes sad and awful.