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A girl walks up to her dad to ask for a dress for prom and he says, "Suck my dick and I'll buy you a dress." She does it and says to him, "Dad, your dick tastes like shit." And he says, "Yeah, your brother wanted a car."

To start, I'm a big fella in size.

I saw a skinny guy act like Santa, so I went over to him. "You can't pull that off," I said. He said, "Then you try it." He gave me the Santa suit, and I dressed up. He walked by and saw me with 45 kids in line to sit on my lap and tell me what they wanted for Christmas.

I was having sex with my girl, and she said she likes it rough, so I socked her in the face.

My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."

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    • Kid: "I wish I could be like Batman!"

    Genie: "Wish granted!"

    When the kid gets home, both of his parents are dead.

    Me: It smells like good fam.

    Friend: What's good fam?

    Me: Nothing much, what about you fam?

    A man from Brooklyn is arguing with an Englishman. He says things like,

    "It's an elevator, not a lift!"

    and

    "It's a bathroom! Not 'washroom'!"

    He keeps going on until the Englishman says,

    "Hey wanker, it's a school, not a god damned shooting range."

    If life was like Pacific Rim, I'd say your mom's pussy was a category 5.

    "Kill yourself. Stop thinking whether or not to do it, you dumb fucking cunt, no one likes you. Jump off a fucking 3 story building, bitch."

    Why did Billy not like the soccer ball he got for Christmas?

    He has no legs...

    Dark Jokes R Like Puppies:

    Once they come out they are trash, but once it starts to get older, that’s when it’s noticed, but when it gets too old, you either proclaim it dead or never talk about it.

    (I would never do that though I love puppies)