Like jokes

I want to die like my grandpa, with a blindfold and a wet sponge on his head.

Two boys are talking on the bus.

Boy 1: I feel like I'm forgetting something.

Boy 2: Hey, did you hear about that school shooting last week?

Boy 1: Oh, that's right.

This Chinese girl didn't know what a sausage roll was, so I replied, "It's like a spring roll with sausage in it, but not any dog or cat how you have it."

An American is touring the Soviet Union. A Russian takes him to a school so he can see what it's like. He asks the kids if they like the Soviet Union. All of the kids say yes, they love it. All but one. That kid bursts out crying. The American asks what's wrong, and he cries, "I want to live in the Soviet Union!"

The reason Stephen sounds like a computer is because he ate his USB.

I like tortles.

Cancer is like a video game.

Some people cannot beat it.

Sans: Why didn't the skeleton go to the party?

Papyrus: Because they looked like me?

Sans: ... Sure.

What looks like peanut butter and jelly, and makes a woman scream?

Afterbirth.

I went into a CS:Go lobby and all I heard for ten minutes straight was, "Act like you're hard, but your dad beat you harder."

A baby is like another step. You use it just the same as the other steps.

Your mom's just like a penny. Practically worthless, and in everyone's pants.

I like my dynamite like I like my woman: hot and ready to explode.

Your dick is like a shotgun, one cock and you're ready to fire.

Why does Sans like puns so much? Probably because he finds them humorous.

Take it in the ear day? More like take it in the rear day.

What did Stephen Hawking love that couldn't move?

Himself, ps particularly his whole body. I was gonna say his legs, but then I remembered he was fully paralysed and was like shitttttttttttttttttttttttttttt.

The twin towers are like my parents, only one came back.

When my friend says I suck at something, I'm like, "U swallow."

I don't like these Undertale jokes. They just don't make any sense.