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Do not be racist; be like Mario. He's an Italian plumber, who was made by the Japanese, speaks English, looks like a Mexican, jumps like a black man, and grabs coins like a Jew!

I seriously don't get why people in Alabama are angered that Mexican immigrants are taking their jobs. I mean, it's not like they are preventing your son from giving you a big, fat blow job.

Why do disabled people not like comedians?

Because they do stand up.

Boys are like minis.

Girls are like big pots.

Minis always come first. Don't think about sex boys, be men.

I don’t know why people don’t say "Cobain," because I’m pretty sure Kurt Cobain didn’t miss his last shot like Kobe did.

Guys, I promise I’m not suicidal, I just like dark things.

*proceeds to walk around the house with headphones in and stare at the ceiling while laying down on the couch*

What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.

What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).