Life jokes
What do children with cancer and Russian soldiers have in common? Their life doesn't last long.
What do blind kids and orphans have in common?
They can't see their family.
Why did the orphan cross the road?
Not to see his parents.
What did the tree do to the emo? Left her hanging.
What's the difference between me and a depressed kid? At least I'm out of the grave.
"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret
"Why?" - Depressed boy
"Because he got ran over." - Margaret
"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.
My April Fool's joke is going to an orphanage and telling them their parents came back.
Why would a cannibal stop eating people?
If they got fed up with them.
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
History teacher: "They had a temporary cure for the disease, but it would be years before they found a cure for life."
Student: "I need that."
What's the resemblance between a microwave and human reproduction?
They both make a sound at the end.
I did have a good [time].
I have special needs, and I was born with it.
You are about to hear the funniest joke ever.
My life.
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bully: How’s your girlfriend?
Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?
Bully: *cries*
Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*