Life jokes
What did the tree do to the emo? Left her hanging.
I was about to joke about your life, but I think your life is already a joke.
If your parachute doesn't work, don't worry.
You have the rest of your life to figure it out.
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
I’m rather relaxed about death.
From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.
Bully: How’s your girlfriend?
Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?
Bully: *cries*
Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*
Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"
And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."
What's the difference between an orphan and a flower?
The flowers actually get picked.
If you execute someone in ventricular fibrillation in the electric chair, will they come back to life once and then die?
Kid: Hey, why am I an orphan?
Adult: I don't know, ask your parents.
What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower?
One is beautiful.
My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.
I don't get progressive leftists these days. They claim to be supporting BLM, but they aren't pro-life.
What's the resemblance between a microwave and human reproduction?
They both make a sound at the end.
Your family in a nutshell.
I have special needs, and I was born with it.
Why do orphans like Monopoly?
To cry about the money they can’t earn in real life.
A: Who can tell me a joke?
B: Life.
"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret
"Why?" - Depressed boy
"Because he got ran over." - Margaret
"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy