Life jokes

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Bully: How’s your girlfriend?

Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?

Bully: *cries*

Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

What's the difference between an orphan and a flower?

The flowers actually get picked.

Why would a cannibal stop eating people?

If they got fed up with them.

Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.

[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.

I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........

Why did the orphan cross the road?

Not to see his parents.

What do blind kids and orphans have in common?

They can't see their family.

"Why didn't the boy pick up his ice cream?" - Margaret

"Why?" - Depressed boy

"Because he got ran over." - Margaret

"I wish that was me." - Depressed boy

Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.

My April Fool's joke is going to an orphanage and telling them their parents came back.

What’s the difference between an orphan and a flower?

One is beautiful.

My joke is your life support getting unplugged because my phone is about to die.

I don't get progressive leftists these days. They claim to be supporting BLM, but they aren't pro-life.

A: Who can tell me a joke?

B: Life.

I was about to joke about your life, but I think your life is already a joke.