Life jokes
Drinking coffee when you're anxious is about as effective as using gasoline to put out a fire, but slurp slurp guess who's an anxious bitch who never learns.
[concert] SINGER: How's everyone doin' tonight? CROWD: Woo! ME (from the back in a normal speaking voice): It's actually been a tough few months.
I caught the flowers at a wedding--now married to a hot guy. But then I caught an STD at a funeral, I kinda nervo.........
My April Fool's joke is going to an orphanage and telling them their parents came back.
Ask someone if they are a rhino. If they say yes, tell them "so you're horny." And if they reply yes again, block them from your life entirely.
Orphan: Where are my parents?
God: New York City.
Orphan: But they used to live in China.
Why can't orphans play baseball?
Because they can't reach home.
One time I fucked this chick so hard, she almost came back to life.
Gina: Ha! YOU HAVE NOTHING!
Orphan: Yes I do.
Gina: What do you have then?
Orphan: Parents.
Gina: LIAR!
What’s the difference between you and an orphan...
NOTHING!
You went the wrong way. Always choose the right path.
What's the one school event that orphans don't go to?
Parents' evening.
Me: Am actually happy right now.
Life: Lol one sec.
Sleep and death are alike; it's just with death you don't wake up.
What song does an orphan hate?...
"I'm so lonely."
Why is death taken so lightly? It's terrible how people use it! (This is NOT a joke!)
You die. LOL!
A man walks into a bar... and he never walks out.
Why do orphans look at a house for so long?
'Cause they never had one.
Because all I do is pound it, man, I would put you on my 600 lb life if you didn't weigh a thousand.