Life

Life jokes

What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.

22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.

24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.

31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.

Why am I still alive?

Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...

My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.

Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.

Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...

It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.

Suicidal thoughts aren’t nice, but nor is life. So why not get them both done and over with?

Bully: How’s your girlfriend?

Kid: I don’t have one. How are your parents?

Bully: *cries*

Kid: *Walks out of the orphanage*

I’m rather relaxed about death.

From quite an early age, I’ve regarded it as part of the deal, the unwritten guarantee that comes with your birth certificate.

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon.”

Man: “Am I dying?”

Doctor: “No, your wife is.”