Life jokes

I hope death is a girl. That way, it'll never come for me.

What do you call an orphan's family region?

Me time.

The African kids' theme song is "Staying Alive."

I could be red, I could be orange, I could be yellow, I could be green, I could be blue, I could be purple, but I would be dead.

What's the difference between an orphan and a vegetable?

The vegetable gets picked.

I dated an orphan and then later married him for 7 years until he told me he was an orphan.

Ashley said to me one day, "What is my name?"

And I said, "My name is everyday life of stupidity."

I was in the Sahara Desert, dying of thirst. Thankfully, Pionel Pessi, the debut man, came to my rescue👨‍🚒. He brought in 100's of helicopters filled with bottles to quench my thirst. I asked him how he had so many bottles; "big games," he replied. Thanks for saving my life, my idol.

Who needs April 1st if your whole life is already a lie?

I was having issues in my personal and professional life. I hated everyone. I was on the brink of a mental breakdown and depression. I decided to see a therapist about it. The therapist suggested that I should write letters to the people I hate and then burn them. I must admit I feel much better...

But now I don't know what to do with the letters.

Hi, I like food.

Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.

It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.

The best night of my life was when I gave my virginity to my wife, and her last word was when she called me "Mommy" at the top of her lungs before I knocked her up 😍.

Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.

Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.

What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.

What's the difference between an emo kid and an onion?

You cry when you cut an onion.

I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.

I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.

In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.

If the noose breaks, stab yourself!

If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!

If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*

Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"