Life isn't about pleasing yourself and that you have to do things for the sole benefit of God.
It’s like masturbation. Sometimes it’s not getting yourself off, but getting someone else off too. That’s what thighjobs are for.
Life Jokes
The best night of my life was when I gave my virginity to my wife, and her last word was when she called me "Mommy" at the top of her lungs before I knocked her up 😍.
Abortion is wrong because God wanted the baby to be alive.
Miscarriages are okay because God did not want the baby to be alive.
What's the difference between life and death? Life hurts.
What's the difference between an emo kid and an onion?
You cry when you cut an onion.
I'm sick of crying; tired of trying; yes, I'm still smiling; inside I'm dying.
I was watching a documentary about how storks carry babies from their previous life to the next.
In his old life, Michael Jackson must’ve been a teddy bear. The storks let him play with kids for a change.
If the noose breaks, stab yourself!
If the knife is dull, shoot yourself!
If the gun's out of ammo, *YOU'RE HERE TO SUFFER ETERNALLY.*
Jim was caught beating a man up. Brooklyn took a picture of his license plate with her phone and told him, "Your life is ruined!" So Jim took a picture of her, and the next thing you know, he said, "Now my phone is ruined!"
What's life if you don't have one...
What’s the similarity between a broken pencil and my life? They’re both pointless.
Why do orphans not like Family Guy? Because they have family.
22. Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
24. When does a joke become a dad joke? When it leaves you and never comes back.
31. My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. So I unplugged his life support.
Monster: “I will devour your family.”
Orphan: “Oh.”
The twin towers were basically Angry Birds but in real life.
Who needs Singles Day when you're single for the rest of your life!
Why am I still alive?
Pills give me stomachaches, blood makes me faint, height frightens me...
My wife got mad at me because I took our life savings and brought golden retrievers.
Like, bitch, we can get gold because of these golden retrievers.
Irritable Bowel Syndrome saved me from depression...
It’s hard to feel empty when you’re so full of shiii fuck ur mom.
Suicidal thoughts aren’t nice, but nor is life. So why not get them both done and over with?
