Leave jokes
If your name is Jack, I think you are a stupid person that leaves their friends and blocks them on everything.
What's worse, being loved or hated? 'Cause when you're loved you could be left alone or be betrayed, but when you're hated no one's there to leave you. What do you think?
Why couldn't the NASA astronaut enter his rocket to leave Earth?
There wasn't enough space to fly it.
How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? They marched in backwards and the Polish people thought they were leaving.
Why are women like hurricanes?
They come in nasty and wet, then leave with your house and car.
I was taking my dog on a long walk when I heard a loud scream. I ran towards the sound. There I found Penaldo sinking in a pit of mud. I was trying to help him out when my dog said, "Leave him, he's been in the mud for years." I walked away shocked but not surprised.
Just hire some people to be fake parents and print off an adoption paper. On April Fools', just leave them there at the orphanage! APRIL FOOLS!
Why is it bad to high five an emo?
They will leave themselves hanging.
Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He's making a list, He's checking it twice... You better leave out some Vodka with ice!
What did Pavol Demitra think before the Yaroslavl plane hit the ground?
"Oh shit, did I leave the stove on at home?"
What do orphans call a holiday?
A bit of soil and some leaves as a blanket.
How did the retard get hurt raking the leaves?
Fell out of the tree.
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off daddy's clothes and daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of daddy and started...". The mother cuts him off and says "Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me." Couple hours later the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face shouting "I'm leaving you... Go ahead Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier." Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. "Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door and you both started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off your clothes and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed, and the lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing mom did with uncle Joe last summer."
What did the terrorist think to himself seconds before hitting the tower?
"Did I leave the stove on?"
Maybe if I fall in love with my depression, it'll leave me too.
What happens when a depressed kid try’s to high-five a tree?
The tree leaves them hanging.
What did the snail say to his ex-wife?
"I'm still leaving you!"
Q: How would a chicken leave?
A: Through the exit.
Will my suicidal thoughts leave me too if I get attached to them?
An LDS preacher knocks on the door with a chalice of wine offering to do the sacrament.
The person living there points and says, "Begone, foul blood-drinker!"
And promptly the preacher bursts into flames, leaving nothing but ash.