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A father tells his 10-year-old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.
In the French school, four sentences must be written. Fritz heard his mother say, "Close the door!"
Fritz went to his uncle and heard, "Yes, I'll put it there."
Then he came to his brother who said, "They call me Superman, hahaha!"
Finally, his sister looked at a photo and said, "Wow!"
The next day, the teacher said, "Okay, Fritz, it's your turn. Finish eating and take out the trash!" Fritz said, "Close the door!"
The teacher got angry and said, "I want to see the principal." Fritz replied, "Yes, my friend, I am leaving you."
The teacher asked, "I have forgotten your name, what is it?" Fritz said, "I'm Superman! I'm Superman! You're nothing!"
"Who do you think I am?" asked the teacher, who had become very angry. Fritz replied, "Wow!"
What's the difference between a sidewalk, a drug dealer, and a prostitute?
A: A sidewalk's crack doesn't leave an odor!
What do you call a disabled person that has no legs and likes being alone?
Leaving, walking.
The real reason women are always cold is because they’re not in front of a stove or an oven. So, naturally, when they leave the habitat, they need to have two blankets.
I wasn't gonna tell another Epstein joke but I didn't want to leave anyone hanging.
Q. What happens when a pedophile spills his coffee? A. It leaves an EP-stain.
If you have a friend that will not leave you alone about something, just simply tell them: "If you watch something, have you ever thought that you're in a movie when you watch a movie?"
I should probably stop making jokes about bulimia. They just leave a bad taste in my mouth.
One day, a father was showering, and his daughter ran into the bathroom while he was getting out and drying off.
The daughter curiously pointed to her father's penis and asked, "Daddy, when am I going to get one of those!?"
The father replied quickly, "In about 15 minutes, when your mother leaves for work."
These posts are brutal; they're leaving nothing left standing.
Why should you always give an emo a high five in the hallway? You can’t leave them hanging.
Leave a man on a plane, and he flies for a day.
Throw a man off a plane, and he flies for the rest of his life.
What's the difference between a child and a cancer diagnosis? At least the cancer grows up and leaves eventually.
I dated a lot of girls before I married my wife. I was living with one of them when I arrived home one day to find her bags packed and next to the door. I asked her, "Baby, what's going on?" She said, "I'm leaving you."
"But why?" I replied.
"Because you're a pedophile!" she answered.
"That's a pretty big word for a six-year-old," I said.
What's the difference between Santa Claus and Jews?
Santa Claus gets to leave the chimney alive.
Ukrainians leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
Palestinians leave without saying goodbye.
Israel says goodbye when the Americans say so.
Americans leave without saying goodbye.
Russians say goodbye without leaving.
There was a boy who owned a dog, who was walking while wearing headphones.
Upon entering a park, he saw a sign that read, "DOGS MUST HAVE LEAD". He continued into the park, and became immersed in the music.
After leaving the park 20 minutes later and turning around for the first time in a while to remove the lead, the sight of his now-dead, freshly-poisoned dog reminded him of the importance of heteronyms.