Learning jokes

My friend’s mother was never a font of sympathy, but always the one to see beyond the darkness.

Upon learning about her daughter’s cancer diagnosis she said, “Well honey, at least you’ll lose some weight!”

You're so slow, the sped kid is your tutor.

Why do shepherds never learn to count?

Because if they did, they would always be falling asleep.

Poor kids in American schools, they want books, but all they get are magazines.

My brother wanted to go fishing. I told him he had to learn how to "master bait". Go look it up on YouTube. Guess who is grounded?

Why was the math book so sad? Because it was filled with problems.

A foreign man came to America not knowing a word of English and right away began looking for a job. He became a chorus teacher and learned to say, "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" After that he joined the Army and learned to say, "Yes sir!" After that he worked at a restaurant and learned to say, "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" After that he worked at a candy store and picked up the words, "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

A few weeks later, there was a murder in the area and he was the first person to be interrogated by the police. The interrogation went as follows:

Policeman: "Who killed the man?" Foreign man: "Mi-mi-mi-mi-mi!" Policeman: "Did you kill the man?" Foreign man: "Yes sir!" Policeman: "What did you use to kill him?" Foreign man: "Forks and knives, forks and knives!" Policeman: "You're under arrest." Foreign man: "Goody-goody gumdrops!"

Little Johnny was overheard by his mother reciting his homework, “Two plus two, the son of a b*tch is four; four plus four, the son of a b*tch is eight; eight plus eight, the son of a b*tch...;” “Johnny!” shouted his mother. “Stop swearing!” “But mom!” Little Johnny protested, “That’s what the teacher taught us! And she said we should recite it till we learned it!”

The next day his mother went to the teacher to complain. “No, no,” said the teacher, terrified. “That’s not what I taught them. They’re supposed to say: ‘Two plus two, the sum of which is four.’”

I never knew how to use a boomerang, until it hit me.

Wanted to get the scoop on history of ice cream, so I went to Sunday school.

What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?

Ketchup!

Why did the girl study in the tree? She wanted a higher education.

If Stephen Hawking was so fucking smart, why hasn't he learned to walk yet?

There was a solar eclipse at school and we missed it, but it was alright. Your mum went to NASA and recreated it herself.

One time my dad was an orphan, so I questioned where he learned to parent.

Dad: What did you learn in school today?

Timmy: Not enough, I guess, 'cause I gotta go back tomorrow.

I learned my dad got into a car crash this morning.

And my driver's license got revoked too.

Why does a Mexican want to learn math?

To study perimeter.

Today I learned humans eat more bananas than monkeys.

I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

Why can't people with Tourette's learn to drive?

Because they'll cause a car crash.