Law jokes

An apple a day keeps the doctor away. Or at least it does if you throw it hard enough.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you? But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

My senior relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying things like, “You’ll be next!” They stopped once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.

Why do so many people hate Bill Cosby? I mean, all he did was have affairs with drunk, attention-seeking women. They literally begged for it.

Where do pedophiles go hunting?

Elementary schools.

If a man kills a kid, it's called Murder.

If a woman kills a kid, it's called Reproductive Rights.

Principal: “Why did you have to skip class? Because of that detention!”

Kid: “Whatever!”

Principal: “Why did you have to swear? Because of that one demerit!”

Kid: “Doesn't matter!”

Principal: “Why did you yell at a teacher and throw a chair at them? Because of that you're suspended!”

Kid: “Oh well!”

Principal: “Why did you have to push a kid down the stairs and kill them? Because of that you're expelled!”

Kid: “I'm trying not to kill myself!”

"Rape[is] the only sign of world peace in this life."

What's the difference between me and a rapist?

He forced her, while I convinced her with a candy.

She was just 7 years old.

What is black, white, and red all over? An interracial abortion.

I say 1, 2, 3, all the kids bullied me, but now they're not so cool, cuz I shot up the school.

Why did the guitarist go to prison?

'Cause he fingered A minor.

Rape isn't funny unless she's laughing, too.

According to all known laws of aviation, a bee should not be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground, but of course, bees fly anyway because bees don't care about what humans think is impossible.

Yellow, Black. Yellow, Black.

"Suicide is a murder, and my body should go to jail."

A man hits a woman with his car. Whose fault was it?

The man, why was he driving in the kitchen?

My boss said she would've loved to meet Bill Cosby as a child. I don't get why I'm getting arrested. I was just making sure his dream came true.

Today was a really bad day. My mother-in-law was hit by a cab AND I lost my job as a cab driver!

What's the difference between Jedi and a rapist?

Nothing, they both use the Force to get what they want.

"I have cancer," the doctor said. "I have 3 days to live," but I was like "fuck it" and killed him. The jury said, "I have life in prison." I shouted, "Yes!" He said, "Thank you, you saved my life!"

I don't like the term "kidnapping." I prefer "surprise adoption."