Me: 911, I just killed someone.
Cops: Cool, we will not come.
Me: Why?
Cops: Don't admit a crime.
Phones: *Bang Bang*
Me: Well, that was 2 crimes done.
My brother got his legs chopped off, but someone FBI opened my basement door, but it wasn't my brother because he died of starvation in the basement.
How would Stephen Hawking get rid of the police?
Go to the junkyard.
My uncle is a computer genius! The police even called him a PDF file!
What is a Mexican's only obstacle?
Border patrol.
I was watching the local chief police in America, he said, "We will never forget 911." I thought, "I should hope not, it's your phone number."
The coffee was getting mugged, so it called 911.
There was a car accident, and the cops pull up to the crime scene to start asking people questions. The police started talking to a blonde lady and said, "What happened here?" She responded by saying, "A car crash." They then asked, "But how did it happen?" She responded, "The cars crashed into each other." They finally said, "But why did it happen?" The lady said, "Oh, I know where you're going with this. It happened because when cars push on the gas pedal, the car goes forward, and they both pushed it, so they both went forward and hit each other." One cop said, "Never mind, ma'am," and they started walking away.
The blonde lady then said, "Oh, and officers, my computer froze. Do you think I should put it in the microwave or in the oven?"
In History class, the teacher taught a lesson about serial killer Albert Fish. Back in the early 20th century, Fish reportedly kidnapped, ate, and raped over 100 kids. He mainly chose victims who were either retarded or black. Further on the lesson, the teacher explained how in those days, black people were socially not equal with white people, and how people with mental illness were not accepted and treated properly due to a lack of knowledge of mental health.
One of the students raised their hand and said, “You ought to be arrested.” The teacher confusedly asked, “Why?” The student explained, “Because you’re thinking like Albert Fish.”
What kind of people love donuts in the morning? Cops, because they don't have anything else to do.
Me: punching a kid.
My FBI agent: You're adopted.
Cops go to the hood when the shooting range is closed.
An action hero stops a man running by throwing a tire at him.
What is his one liner? "I told you to stop running or you will get tired."
One day there was a guy who robbed a bank. A customer at the bank while it happened got the police. Who was that? The police said......
It’s a wood hulem.
A lady runs into a police station and yells, "Help, help! I've been graped!"
A police officer says, "Do you mean raped?"
The girl then replies, "No, there was a bunch of 'em!"
What do you say when you wake up to the police trying to arrest you?
“C'mon, did ya really think I’d resist arrest?”
So, there was this cop on the top bunk of a bunk bed.
Another cop walks in and sits on the bottom bunk and the cop on the top bunk bed said, "You're under a-rest."
How do pedophiles follow the law?
They drive it slow in the school zone.
There was a man who had just moved from a foreign country. He just moved into his apartment and was watching his favorite TV shows. The first one was "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me," the second one was "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives," and the last one was "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!"
There had been a murder in the area, and the man was walking in the park when a cop showed up and asked him, "Sir, have you seen this man?" and held up a photo. The man said "me-me-me, me-me-me, me-me-me-me-me-me-me." The cop said, "Sir, what did you use?" and the man said "forks and knives, forks and knives, all I use is forks and knives." After that, the cop said, "Sir, I'm going to have to arrest you," and the man said "BRING IT ON, FAT MAN!!" The screen goes black, and all you can here "chk-chk. BANG"
911 what's your emergency?
Me: Officer, my girlfriend is dead!
Operator: What happened!?
Me: She bit the tip.
