Last jokes

I will never forget my grandfather's last words:

"Can you hold the ladder correctly, damn it!"

What was Stephen Hawking's last meal?

Meals on wheels.

My boyfriend and I were playing baseball last night with some of our friends. Halfway through the game we took a break and he asked me to hold his balls for him whilst he went to the toilet.

All our friends were shocked when I went into the boys' bathroom with him.

Thanks for the birthday wishes. It's been an odd one this year, as some of you know, my father suddenly passed away on my birthday last year, and anyone who knew the old man knew he had a sledgehammer wit!

Good on ya dad, ya definitely got the last laugh!

Everything is now so expensive in Africa that witches don’t serve food in dreams again. Am I lying? Okay, when last did you eat in your dreams?

People always ask what the secret of our family's happiness is. It is simple really.

1. Television and computer games are limited to a couple of hours each week.

2. We all give each other a hand when needed.

Last but not least, we play Twister.

Last Christmas was awesome, the whole family came.

What is the last thing that goes through a suicide bomber's mind?

His arse.

Joe mama's so fat, I took a picture of her last year, and it’s still printing!

Last week I felt so high and mighty I thought I could fly. I took one shot, puffed through my pipe, and jumped in the air on a trampoline. I woke up in heaven.

I asked an angel, "How did I die?"

"Well, little monkey, you thought your bed was a trampoline and you hit your head. Your mom called the doctor, and the doctor said you were dead."

The teacher was asking some of her students the meanings of words.

"Sally, can you tell me what 'beautiful' means?"

Sally: "You..."

Teacher: "Aww! How nice! But next time, say the actual definition. Now, can someone tell me what 'malicious' means?"

Andrew: "A dangerous person and/or virus."

Teacher: "Great job, Andrew! Now, what does 'fat' mean? Johnny?"

Johnny: "A pig."

Teacher: "Could you tell me the actual defini- "

Johnny: "In other words, the person who last spoke to me!"

I met a gay guy last night.

Man, was he a pain in the ass.

My Crandall just be smashing more than you ON DA GIRLS, and he was slapping your girl last night harder than WILL at the OSCARS! ;)

Why are people in Japan always skinny?

Because last time there was a "Fat Man", a whole city disappeared.

Last last, now everybody go chop breakfast.

Where was your mom last night? In the man club?

What’s the last thing Tickle Me Elmo receives before leaving the factory?

Two test tickles.

What was the last hat Princess Diana wore?

A bonnet.

What were Stephen Hawking's last words?

"Windows 10 shutting down."

My friend said to me that I am gay. My response? I’m as straight as that pole that your mum danced on last night.