Last jokes
An old man goes to a church and is making a confession:
Man: "Father, I am 75 years old. I have been married for 50 years. All these years I had been faithful to my wife, but yesterday I was intimate with an 18-year-old."
Father: "When was the last time you made a confession?"
Man: "I never have, I am Jewish."
Father: "Then why are telling me all this?"
Man: "I’m telling everybody!"
What were the last words of your grandma in 2020?
"Oh, I think I forgot my mask!"
What is the last thing you wanna see during a prostate exam?
The doctor taking off his watch.
You know how bad of a person you are when you figure out how long you wait to smash. For me and my girlfriend, it was between the first plane crash and the last tower falling.
I wonder if Kobe Bryant enjoyed his last flight.
What's the last thing to go through the minds of 9/11 victims?
Their kneecaps.
Of all the inventions of the last 100 years, the dry erase board has to be the most remarkable.
Did you know your pupils are the last part to stop working when you die? They dilate.
Q. What's the best part of living in Alabama?
A. Not having to change your last name when you get married.
Violets are blue, roses are red.
Last night your mom was giving me head.
Went home with a woman last night. I was greeted at the door by a Mongrel.
I say Mongrel, it was her Down syndrome son trying to process if I was a stranger or not.
What were Stephen Hawking's last words?
......
James Last, the king of the LP bargain bin, died a Florida Man.
A sign that broadcast television has less impact on the masses: The force-feeding of Kelly Clarkson on network television has yet to impact the large stacks of Kelly Clarkson CDs collecting dust in Goodwill, right next to those James Last LPs.
Why are people in Japan so thin?
Because it didn't end well the last time a Fat Man was there.
Why do black people only have nightmares? Because the last one who had a dream was shot.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”
why are people in japan so slim? because the last time a fatman came, they lost half their population.
Why does Japan not allow little boys to run?
Because the last time a little boy came, Japan lost a state.
Sometimes I think back on all the people I’ve lost and remember why I stopped being a tour guide.
Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours. Set him on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
My grandfather said my generation relies too much on the latest technology. I called him a hypocrite and unplugged his life support.
I’ll never forget my father’s last words to me just before he died: “Are you sure you fixed the brakes?”