Kill jokes
Three Europeans come to America. They all get captured by Native Americans, who want to kill them. However, the Europeans beg to have their lives spared. The Native Americans agree not to kill them on one condition: the Europeans must go into the forest and bring back a fruit, and they will be informed what to do with it.
The first guy comes back with a peach. The Native American says, "Shove it up your ass, if you laugh we kill you." So, he shoves the peach up his ass, laughs, and the Native Americans kill him. The second guy comes back with a grape. The Native American tells him the same thing. He laughs, and the Native American kills him.
They both see each other in heaven, and the first guy says to the second guy, "I had a peach and peaches are fuzzy, so that's why I laughed. But you had a grape, what happened?" The second guy says, "Oh yeah, I was doing just fine until I saw the other guy come back with a pineapple!"
How do you make a builder cry?
Kill his family.
Why did the boy shoot the clock? He wanted to kill time.
A man named Icide ruined my life. I asked a friend if he would help me sue him. He said yes. But for some reason, he killed me.
All I wanted was for someone to help me sue Icide...
What do you call someone who used to kill people? An ex-executioner.
What's the difference between you and Hitler?
Hitler knew when to kill himself.
Curiosity killed the cat.
But for a while, I was a suspect.
Why was three afraid of two? Because he killed everyone!
My life.
Kill me, please.
We cut and kill flowers because they're pretty.
We cut and kill ourselves because we are not.
How did the inkjet printer kill himself?
He drank cyan-ide.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Chuck Norris once heard nothing can kill him. So he tracked down nothing and killed it.
What's green, fuzzy, and if it falls out of a tree it will kill you?
A pool table.
Today someone was killed with a starter pistol. Police think it might be race related.
4, 6, 8, and 9 have all been killed. 2, 3, 5, 7, and 11 are the prime suspects.
My girlfriend is a porn star. -- She will kill me if she finds out.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 20 people, then it exploded.
What's big, green, has four legs, and if it falls out of a tree, it can kill you?
A pool table.