Kill jokes
Who is yourself, and why do people keep telling me to kill him?
What do youuuuuuuuuuu Oh f***, my mom is gonna kill me! My shit is stuck on the toilet!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
2,996 kill streak, boom!
What would an emo say to someone to make them join the EMO side?
A: Go kill yourself!
Why are planes the most dangerous killers?
Because they killed 2,996 people in 10-25 minutes.
Hey, my grandfather was part of WWII. Yeah. He killed Hitler!
Dad: I heard an actor killed themselves with a knife. It was Reese something.
Mom: Witherspoon.
Dad: No, with a knife, you dummy!
Girl: "Hey, why don't you come over?"
Guy: "I can't. Cops are looking for me, they say I killed 2 people."
Girl: "C'mon, my parents aren't home."
Guy: "About that..."
People say my dad left me and was never successful, but if you search up who destroyed the Twin Towers, he will pop up.
Also, my mom's great grandpa killed Hitler.
If a person kills their counselor, does that mean that they don't need therapy anymore?
I killed 5 orphans and tried to sell their organs.
Nobody still wanted them.
Little Johnny’s father walks into the bathroom and catches him masturbating. He says, “Son, every time you do that, you kill an innocent baby.”
The next day, his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, “Bow your head, Dad. Can’t you see we’re having a funeral?”
While playing in the backyard, Little Johnny kills a honeybee. His father sees him killing the honeybee and angrily says, “No honey for you for one month!”
Later that afternoon, Johnny’s dad catches him tearing the wings off a butterfly. “That’s it! No butter for you for one month!” says his dad.
Later that evening as Johnny’s mother cooks dinner, a cockroach runs across the kitchen floor. She jumps and stomps on it, and then looks up to find Little Johnny and her husband watching her. Little Johnny looks at his father and says, “Are you going to tell her, Dad, or do you want me to?”
What's the difference between a speed bump and a road kill?
About 40 mph.
Why are cigarettes good for the environment?
They kill people.
How do you kill Hellen Keller?
Take her on a walk off a cliff.
If a homeschooled kid kills his parents, is it considered a school shooting?
"911, what’s your emergency?" I asked, listening to the quiet sobs of a little kid on the other end of the line.
“I think my daddy want to kill me,” the girl said and cried, making me freeze on the spot as I recognized my daughter’s voice.
Why did the school shooter earn extra points?
Because he was on a kill streak.
I killed a homeless dude, now she's at the funeral home. 😭💔