Kill

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Me, calls the police*

Me: Hey, I'm gonna commit suicide!

Cop on the phone: Please wait till we get there.

Me: Why, so you can then stop me?

Cop on the phone: No, we just want a murder, not a suicidal report on your paper... and we are all bored!

Me: Ok, my house number is *********************, ok!

Cop on the phone: Awesome! Just a sec. *whispers* Guys, I finally found someone who wants to get killed!

I went to kill Biden with poison water and mixed it with my finger, and then licked it. I passed out, and now I'm here.

A cop saw an old lady carrying two sacks. He asked the lady what she was doing. She opened one bag and shows a bunch of cash.

"How did you get all this?" asked the cop.

"Well, I live behind a golf course, and my backyard has many holes in its fence. Since there are no bathrooms nearby, the golfers stick their dicks through the holes and piss onto my hard, and that keeps killing my flowers. So, I grabbed my hedge clippers, and when they stick it through, I grab their dick and yell, '10 bucks right now or it comes clean off!' After that, nobody pees in my yard ever again."

The cop responded with, "Dang. But what about the other bag?"

She said, "Not everybody paid."

A beautiful woman is on the ledge of a bridge about to commit suicide.

A homeless man walks by her and says, "What are you doing?"

She says, "I'm going to jump!"

The homeless man says, "If you're going to kill yourself, do you wanna have sex with me first?"

The woman replies, "No way, creep! Never that!"

The homeless man doesn't seem bothered and says, "That's fine, I'll just wait 'til you're at the bottom."

You will never see a redneck opposing a war.

He will instead say, "Wait, I get to kill people and it's not illegal? And they're foreigners?"

My friend: Hey, I got 15 kills!

Me: I got 60 kills!

My friend: I didn't know you played Call of Duty!

Me: What's Call of Duty?

So, I was on the phone with a scam caller. He said he knew where I lived and would kill my children and wife. Jokes on him, I already did.

Every like this gets, I will kill a telemarketer.

Every dislike, I will kill a cute puppy.

Every comment, I will kill your ex bf or gf and send you a PS5.

When God made Chinese, he said, "DON'T LOOK!" and the Chinese said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You won't want to be fruitful and multiply if you saw where you are putting that thing."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

When God made White Man, he said, "NEVER SHUT YOUR EYES!" and the white man said, "Why?"

And God replied, "You need to keep an eye out for the Chinese, one day they will out number you."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.

Then the white man said, "There is a white genocide!"

And the survivors of the Holocaust said, "All these Europeans killed each other, so a white genocide is accurate. White killed white."

Then the Chinese said, "Thank you, we take your land now."

And the Jews said, "But we are God's chosen people!"

And the Chinese said, "Yes, every time God show up you get bullied! You might want to worship someone else!"

And the Jews said, "Why are you Chinese so lucky, you can't even see, you blind!"

And the Chinese said, "Jesus say be in the world not of the world, so don't go looky looky at the world then."

It turned out the Chinese are very obedient to God.